Posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 13:52:27
In reply to Re: therapy, posted by Jai Narayan on December 12, 2003, at 9:33:39
Hi Jai, I hope it's okay if I jump in here and point out some things I've had to learn about situations like this ...
I've noticed some either/or, black/white thinking and feeling in your posts.
>kind of deadness inside....It seems like before, you felt very alive with your connection to Larry. Am I right? And now since the misunderstanding, you feel shutdown and numb and dead.
I've definitely experienced a lot of *either* wildly alive *or* dead feelings, and pretty sudden switches between the two.
Thing is, there is an infinite number of shades of grey between black and white. Could you consciously make an effort to carve out (mixing/switching metaphors here, sorry) some additional options for yourself?
This is a +lot+ harder than I make it sound. Last year, I was taking a hobby workshop, and I said something pretty stupid. I wanted to crawl into the ground, to disappear. I knew for sure that I never wanted to come back. But I saw what was going on - this all-or-nothing thinking and FEELING - and so I made myself go back. I still go. I've said a few other things that really weren't so bright or appropriate. And I might not be the instructor's favorite course-taker, but she doesn't spit at me when I walk in. In fact, she often seems happy to see me, and she's done some really nice things for me. If I think of some of the socially inept things I've said there, I'd still really rather never see the instructor again, but then I tell myself that nobody's 100% socially together. And that I'm constantly improving, and it's things like forcing myself to go back, to keep keeping on, that help me to grow, and reduce the likelihood of future doofus moves.
> A while ago someone sent me a warning....to
> not be so naive.Not sure what that was, or who it was from, but nobody's 100% popular, and that's for a lot of different reasons.
> I was so sure I knew who he was. I guess it's
> just the flip side of riding on that sureness.Instead of as two sides of a coin, maybe you could set up the knowing / not knowing on a spectrum. Let's say Larry Hoover knows himself better than anyone else does. Well, even he isn't all the way at the 100% knowing end of the spectrum. You got a few bits and pieces of the Real Live Larry, and then you weren't all the way at the 0% knowing point any more. Could you explore some of the %s between 0 and 100 and see how they feel?
>I am now afraid to post anything directly to
>him or to ask him questions.One thing I do when I'm in a situation like this is wait and see what the other person does. It takes practice to get comfortable with this - the first few (hundred?) times I tried this, it was purely exercise and I was really really jumpy. But I've now practiced enough that I can feel the calm. This isn't a passive thing - when they make the next move, you can actively decide how to respond. If they don't make any move, you're empowered with very interesting information.
>Maybe he never wants to hear from me again?Could be. Or it could be that he has his own issues with all of this, had (is still having?) his own reactions to work through, and that really none of this had to do with you as a person.
I know it's really, really hard to let go, so don't try. Maybe you could, though, use this as a chance to try the active waiting -and seeing - exercise I mentioned.
There are things that can make the waiting exercise more like a game. Let me know if you'd like examples.
I don't know if humor helps any, but you didn't commit any absolutely unforgiveable act, or even anything really hideous. Have you heard the Shania Twain song, "Get You Good" - ? Let's say you'd shown up on Larry's doorstep dancing and singing this:
"You're a fine piece of real estate, and I'm gonna get me some land
"So, don't try to run - honey, love can be fun
There's no need to be alone - when you find that someone"I'm gonna getcha while I gotcha in sight
I'm gonna getcha if it takes all night
You can betcha by the time I say "go," you'll never say "no"
I'm gonna getcha, it's a matter of fact
I'm gonna getcha, don'tcha worry 'bout that
You can bet your bottom dollar, in time you're gonna be mine
Just like I should - I'll getcha good"I've already planned it - here's how it's gonna be
I'm gonna love you and - you're gonna fall in love with me"Yeah, I'm gonna getcha baby - I'm gonna knock on wood
I'm gonna getcha somehow honey - yeah, I'm gonna make it good"
Now if you'd done *that*, he might never want to see or hear from you again. (Especially if you were wearing that space suit Shania has on in the video.) The way things are now, it's probably not that extreme.Hang in there Jai. And you know what, your experience might give you perspective that could be helpful for me. I'm going to post a question in a new thread, and I'd appreciate your input.
poster:Medusa
thread:287090
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/289124.html