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Re: birds and all that jazz » Jai

Posted by Larry Hoover on November 24, 2003, at 8:10:18

In reply to birds and all that jazz, posted by Jai on November 23, 2003, at 20:14:57

> > Ya, I know, but I was teasing you.
> >
> you do have light sense of humor...you know uplifting.

Thanks.

> > What a job for a child....
> >
> If a way, that's why I am not in the medical arena. All my life I have played the therapist for my friends. I was a good one too.

Well, once you've done it for yourself....

> But then I wasn't really a friend. It was never equal. Now I know how to be friends.

I have both kinds. I know what you mean.

> > > > Emotionally. My dominant memories are of terror.
> > >
> > > We are birds of a feather.
> >
> > Not a great way to remember childhood.
> >
> I have a poem called "Home is Where the Fear is"

I don't know I want to read that, or not.

> > You have shown courage in overcoming so much.
> >
> Thank you for seeing and saying.

That's a lovely bit of prose, that.

>>> Then there are major depressive swings on top of that (I think I've hit -4.5 or lower).
> >
> What does that look like -4.5 ? Inside you and outside you?

It is bizarre, from my present perspective. I guess I only have a superficial recall. I believe in what is called state-dependent learning...total recall requires a similar mind-set/state. That's for the best.

One episode, I was simply near catatonic. I was warehoused (hospitalized) for that one. Another was quite different....I was active physically, but I was so suicidally fixated that I could not look at anything without interpreting it as an agent of my death. More than that, I'd have trouble expressing in words.

> > It doesn't sound like a useful approach to me. 'Negative stuff in my tissues' doesn't touch me much....
>
> Sorry, that's messed up. I meant that if you do have trauma stored in your tissues that healing touch can and does help release it.

Oh, OK. Reiki or similar. I do that (but not recently, come to think of it). Again, a funding issue.

> Oh pity, sometimes I get too excited and say it all wrong.

That's what conversations are for. They let you sort it out.

> > I can't afford the treatment. One day, perhaps.
> >
> How much does it cost? Is it more expensive then regular therapy?

Irrelevant if it's more or less. I can't afford anything.

I get counselling through a hospital clinic, or I wouldn't even have that.

I got 10 EMDR treatments through a community treatment facility, at their lowest co-pay of $5 per. The government (through grants) picked up the rest. After the 10 sessions you're on your own. $120 per? $150 per? something like that.

> My insurance covered most of it. It was a gift to myself.

I don't have any health insurance. I get basic medical care free (I'm in Ontario), but there's a ton of stuff that you don't get without an employer-based health plan or private coverage. I had to pay out of pocket for recent blood work to get a diagnosis of hypogonadism. :-/

> > Fish oil for DHA and EPA, and borage oil for GLA.
> >
> what brand do you use?

The cheapest I can find. Walmart these days.

> > PTSD permanently changes your biochemistry, if it arises from childhood abuse.
> >
> Oh god! I had no idea!

You won't find that in any textbook (yet), I wouldn't think, but laboratory experiments involving primates have demonstrated that if a persistent or recurrent critical stressor occurs during a developmental window (crudely analogous to a good chunk of human childhood), the biochemical response to subsequent stressors is not only different than that of unstressed individuals, but it remains different for the rest of the life span. I believe that many of the poorly explained disorders of adulthood (multiple chemical sensitivity, fibromyalgia, certain forms of arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel, and some psychiatric disorders in the mood/anxiety spectrum) arise as sequelae of childhood trauma. PTSD may be easier to link directly to childhood trauma, but the others are secondary sequelae, IMHO.

I had a reference to the research on my old 'puter. I'll see if I can dig it up again.

> You must be someplace warmer than where I am.
> >
> I doubt I am somewhere warmer. I think maybe colder? We go out to see the Red Wing Black birds.

RWB (birder code for red-wing blackbirds) have all gone from here. South of me, if not warmer?

I'm an hour's drive NE of Toronto.

> After the hunters have had their day and all the beautiful leaves have turned and fallen to the earth. It's real cold. We went out right before dusk. As the long blue shadows streched across the water. The river was flat and shinny. All the hills were casting large fields of black on the water. The trees bare bones ready for winter. We saw an owl rushing through the island forest. We canoed to this island where we have been so many times and seen splendid sights. It takes 1/2 an hour. We had packed food, mittens, warms clothes. We sat and waited. The day darkened as we waited. Our canoe hanging on the reflection of the sky. We waited and watched. On Saturday it paid off with quite a show of black birds and the river otter. We struggled home against the current as the stars became our only source of light.

That's very beautiful.

> thanks for being so interested and appreciative. I appreciate it.
>
> Jai

Mutual.

Lar

 

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poster:Larry Hoover thread:282544
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