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Re: Cant get over ex! HELP!!

Posted by Susan J on November 14, 2003, at 13:07:03

In reply to Cant get over ex! HELP!!, posted by JimD on November 14, 2003, at 12:42:09

Hi,

Boy, can I relate. I'm sorry that it's causing so much pain....

>>I spent two years of my life dating a guy, who has since cast me to the curb.
<<Why did he break up with you? Not trying to be nosy, just wondering how *definite* his intentions to break up actually were...

> We have continued to mess around (yes, i know, a mistake) and maintained a 'friendship' for the past year.
<<Hmmmm, it's very easy to fall into that trap...it's comfortable, it's something you know, and possible you think being with him will somehow reignite the romance?

>> and deep down inside, I want him back.
<<Do you know *why* exactly you want him back? When one of my ex-es broke up with me, I was devastated beyond belief because I thought he was my soul mate, that he was the *one.* That he was making a mistake breaking up with me....but part of it had to do with *my* insecurity that I wouldn't find someone like him again.

One of the things I do to help me get over an ex is to focus on and constantly remind myself of all of his faults, the things that annoyed me. I read somewhere once that we tend to forget the bad things and concentrate on the good things...if you keep doing that, your feelings for him won't die.

I mean, is he *really* the guy for you? If he were, why was he such a knucklehead and broke up with you? :-) There could be so many reasons, other than love, that make you want him back. Lust, control, insecurity, fear of the unknown. And they can be powerful, unfortunately.


>>We talk on the phone/email at least every other day and tend to see each other once or twice per week, be it intentional or by bumping into each other at the one gay bar in town.
<<I know you can't help running into him, but could you try and cut down on the phone/e-mail stuff a bit? Maybe not totally. Baby steps. I know there are probably wonderful things about him -- why else would you fall for him? But there have to be some bad things. Perhaps *he* is afraid of committment. Perhaps he's too self-involved. Perhaps he has other personality issues that he needs to work on before he could be a good mate to anyone. If, and I have no clue if this is the case, but if you are trying to fix him, it will never work...It's best to nurture yourself.

And perhaps meeting someone new might help? I know you said you are in a small town, but could you try a personal ad or internet service or something?

I know it hurts, and I wish I had some great insight to help you with this, cuz nobody deserves the type of pain I think you're in. But you *do* deserve *better* than an off again on again friendship/relationship...You really do.

Good luck. It *will* get better...

Susan


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poster:Susan J thread:279740
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031113/msgs/279747.html