Posted by tensor on November 12, 2003, at 9:00:17
Hi all,
This started back in -98 when I moved to another country to study, I have posts about this under babble from Jan -99 under the name Mattias. My future was marked out, I was to study civil engineering and everyone expected me to do it, I was intelligent and gifted and bla bla. So the pressure was obvious. Shortly before I moved I started to feel anxious and irritated, I didn’t know why, study civil engineering was what I have wanted to do in my entire adult life. So I moved. When I came to the new country I mentally broke down, panic disorder, depression and social phobia(later diagnosed). I stayed for three horrible days, then I moved back home, which depressed me even more. I didn’t dare to tell anyone why I moved home again, I felt ashamed, thought I got insane and that no one would understand. I came up with excuses like I didn’t like the school and so on.
As soon as I came home I contacted a doctor and told her my story and she prescribed me propranolol to help my panic disorder(my disorders didn’t go away when I came home). A week later she prescribed me zopiclone to help me sleep and she insisted that I should make an appointment with a psychiatrist, which I first were very reluctant to. Mainly because of the shame(nowadays I know there is nothing to be ashamed of). But she convinced me and I met a psychiatrist about a month later. I first started out with prozac, it helped my panic disorder pretty good but did nothing for my depression. At this point I started to study at a small local institute which couldn’t offer me the education I wanted but it was better than nothing. A few months later after failing on effexor I finally got relieved from my depression with remeron. I was now taking remeron + prozac and diazepam as needed.
My studies went well but I always felt like it wasn’t the right choice and after three years my confident had grown to that extent, I felt I was ready to move to the other country and continue my studies there at a much larger institute with greater opportunities. I felt that I was mature for this now and my panic disorder and depression was under control. So I discontinued my studies back home and in the fall of -01 I moved again. This time it went smoother. But I’ve struggled with depression and social phobia ever since. Difficulties to concentrate and lack of motivation. In the spring this year (-03) I took a brake and took a job for three months. I tried different medications to help my lack of motivation, lack of concentration and depression. Clomipramine, paroxetine and buspar did nothing for me. I finally got some relief with edronax but I had to quit it because of severe side effects. Then I moved home over the summer(as I’ve done every year).
At the end of this summer I felt more motivated to study then ever, which was a necessity because I haven’t performed well in school since I started here and with few courses passed. The first five weeks I performed very well, and then suddenly, crash boom bang. I hit a wall. Now I’ve been depressed for over month and complete lack of motivation. I was and are currently on remeron 15mg and klonopin 2-4mg. My psychiatrist suggested edronax once more which I reluctantly accepted after being rejected wellbutrin(as I suggested, I live in Europe and wellbutrin is not indicated for depression here). After five days I quitted edronax once again due to its side effects. I am now going to see another psychiatrist. And that’s my story and that’s where I am now.
The two choices I have, well as it feels right now only one, is to stay and hope for a rescue that maybe is never to come or take the shame, swallow my pride and move back home and take a job. This is painful, I really don’t know what to do. As days goes by the more I misses in school and my chances to pass the exams is declining towards zero. I don’t know if the performance anxiety is depressing me or if it really is a medical issue. I’m starting to think that if I move home and take job maybe I’ll do fine. I really don’t know. Continue my studies at the institute back home is out question, I do have a little pride left in me, but who knows…
Thank you so much for taking your time reading this. I would really appreciate your opinions, ideas and advices.
/tensor
poster:tensor
thread:278973
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031031/msgs/278973.html