Posted by Susan J on September 29, 2003, at 14:21:21
In reply to Re: Please Help -- » Susan J, posted by Dinah on September 29, 2003, at 13:35:30
Hi, Dinah,
> You might want to step back a bit, and let her family and friends talk to her based on what you've said about your brother being a bit controlling. Unless you're willing to be upfront in acknowledging his part of the problem (and if you do, you're going to get him mad), she probably will see you as ganging up with him.
<<Yeah, I agree, although it's counterintuitive to what I want to do. :-) I am perfectly willing to acknowledge my brother is part of the problem, although I don't think I'm strong enough to hear her criticize him a whole bunch, which is why I want to figure out a way to get her to see a therapist. And my brother won't be mad. He's very willing to figure out what his bad behaviors are and change them. He's willing to do whatever it takes to keep the marriage together AND happy, he just doesn't know what to do.My brother doesn't drink, drug, or hurt K (emotionally or physically). He manages money well, watches their child, does the food shopping, does the cooking, the cleaning, and the outside repairs. K is not contributing at all. He asked her recently to clean the master bath of their 2-week-old new house, and she said yes, she'd do it. She cleaned only the vanity and sink, not the floor (drywall dust everywhere). So my brother, who wants it clean, did it after working all day and then watching the baby. It drives him nuts if stuff isn't clean, and that probably annoyed the heck out of him. Before, he would probably make a joke out of it. I don't know what he does now. I'm not defending him, just trying to give a picture of a really good guy who can be obsessive/compulsive at times. Not saying he's easy, but she always seemed to deal with his little quirks well. Maybe it was a charade, and inside it really bugged her. He is also very loving, affectionate, caring, took care of K when she was sick with the flu for 2 weeks. Stayed by her bedside. He supported her emotionally and financially while she went through school. He's always been very encouraging and wants her to be her own person, have her own friends. No possessiveness stuff or jealousy at all. I personally would kill for a guy like that. :-) Of course, I don't know how their personalities interact. I just figured that if they dated for 4 years and now have been married for 5, that she liked the guy....
> When I was depressed enough, it wouldn't have occurred to me to get help. It didn't seem like anything would help. I only got help when I was anxious, not depressed. It wasn't denial, just profound hopelessness.
<<I'm sorry, that sounds so painful. :-( Was there anything that could push its way through your hopelessness? Did it matter if someone said they really cared about you? Or did you not care, cuz you didn't think you were worth caring for?I'll lie low and back off. I just somehow want her to understand that if she *is* depressed, it doesn't mean she's weak or defective or something. I don't want her to think that if she's depressed, the rest of the world sees her as a loser, or that my family sees her as the cause of all of my brother's pain. She *is* causing him pain, but I sincerely believe it's because she's in so much pain herself....And if she doesn't figure out something is wrong, she might slip into drinking too much or using drugs like many of her family members have. And I have no clue in the world how to deal with that, how to help someone through addiction. Already, she's spending outrageous amounts of money, buying the baby all kinds of clothes he doesn't need, yet never buying stuff like diapers. ??
I dunno. I'm helpless, and maybe that's the hardest thing for me to deal with, since I want to fix things all the time.
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:261015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/264246.html