Posted by octopusprime on September 18, 2003, at 0:20:20
In reply to my story (long long long) - kara lynne, posted by octopusprime on September 17, 2003, at 0:47:19
thank you ladies (i assume!) for your support and encouragement
re: making amends: no, i will not make amends in person. it has been made clear to me that my presence is no longer welcomed in my former friend's life. that was tough to accept, but so be it. it's better for both of us.
i have forgiven myself for what i have done. i was temporarily psychotic and i did something wrong. i hope it never happens again.
gal - of course you are welcome to talk about yourself and your trouble! the pain of loneliness is tough for all of us. as well as the stain of perceived failure. i think those are two things that depressives share. the difference between us and the rest of humanity is that we're willing to talk about it and to challenge our own assumptions. that's the upside to feeling flawed - we assume our thinking is flawed and subject to change!
kara lynne - i don't know if i am reacting well to the most current breakup because i am numb, or because i have learned how to be dumped, or what. neither of those sounds very good to me, but i do know that working hard is helping. (my job is very challenging and keeping me very busy, and i'm not entrenched enough to risk laziness and failure! i love a steady paycheck and having a comfortable if not extravagant way of life, maybe extended unemployment makes me appreciate it more).
and kara lynne every day you sound so much stronger than the day before. you are growing before us on the boards and it is so inspiring.
ps i live in Beautiful British Columbia. the mountains and trees and ocean are positively awe inspiring. i find that being close to nature is really balancing and good for my spirit.
susan j - in a way i don't want to deal with depression like it's not there. it's there. i know it and i can see it. it manifests itself in my messy apartment and my lazy habits. i hear it talk through me sometimes when i am hopeless and convinced i have no value. i want to work with it. i want to be able to say, "hey depression, maybe today i have time for you, but tomorrow is another day". "hey depression, quit sneaking up on me from behind that corner." "hey depression, can you leave for just one sunny day?"
but maybe that's unrealistic. i don't know. i need to make time for these feelings but i still want to live. i remember how terrible it was when i was really bad. my face lost all colour and my eyes went blank and i looked and felt like the walking dead, i passed through society like a ghost. like i was dead. i felt dead. but i don't want to be dead and alive. i don't want to be alive and alone. etc. bleh.
poster:octopusprime
thread:260888
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/261229.html