Posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:09:17
It's 3:30am and I'm up, been up all night. I just got done a crying spell and am trying to calm myself down. I'm on my 6th week of Lexapro and just increased Lamictal to 50mg. The thing is, is that my psychiatrist doesn't think I should be on Topamax OR Lamictal because I told him I rarely ever get manic. The only reason why he agreed to increase the Lamictal was because I told him I heard it was good for cycling, which I rarely have anymore, but wanted to be *safe* and that it helps more with the 'depression' side of bipolar, so why not add it to the Lexapro?
I read some other posts and right now I'm wondering if Lex is going to fail me or the increase to only 50mg of Lamictal is making me feel like this? The things I cried about had nothing to with anyone except me. I have no motivation to complete school, something I started at a year ago (transferred as a senior), I'm so close to getting my BA, I'm killing my body with cigarettes and unhealthy food. I can't remember the last time I had a nice piece of salmon with the omega 3 fatty acids, I don't take vitamins, I haven't eaten fruit forever, I get NO exercise, and vegetables, come and go, hardly at all.
When I get so upset that I cry over what I'm doing to my body physically, I want to change, but it passes, and I stay stuck in my sadness about it.
Mentally, I am experiencing extreme fear and sadness over my life, what I should or shouldn't do, I get so confused. It's like I felt tonight that I have no idea what life is really about or how to handle it. I don't know if this has anything to do with the increase of the Lamictal or it's something that any medication just won't help with. I am so ill-feeling that the thought of looking for a therapist makes me cry even more because of all the time and energy it takes to find a good one. I've done so much therapy already but obviously it hasn't helped, at least not with the reasons I am crying, and feeling this way all of the sudden after doing so well for the first few weeks on Lexapro. I just don't have that energy right now. I think to myself if I'm making excuses but in my mind I'm not, I just can't handle the emotional stress in finding someone I can talk to who can help me, besides my mother, sort out these issues so I can get on with some kind of life. It hurts so bad. *crying* I feel like I will never get out of this rut and just don't have the motivation or energy to do anything at all. I am getting my hair weaved this morning and I don't even care about that, it's not going to make me feel better. I miss working, I miss being with people, and I miss my old self. I'm a total people person and want so bad to contribute to this world, and I have failed, and it hurts to know I have wasted the last 10 or 11 years not being *well* enough to do so. This has gone on far too long and I'm so sick of it. I'm crying because I am so lost right now, I'm not sure what to do, where to start, like I just don't care. Advice seems to go in one ear and out the other yet here I am posting asking for it at now almost 4am, still crying and asking for help. I guess I needed to vent and maybe whoever reads this can shed some sort of light for me? I feel like I'm a total difficult nut case, because I just am at the point where I really don't care about anything and that's not good. I've had almost 3 months to make up a term at school because I was in the hospital the whole month of May, and I haven't even touched the work. I have issues of my mother trying hard to control where I go to school, what I do with my life, and I'm 33. Isn't about time I'm able to live my life without my mother trying to live through me? I love her, she has been there for me, so I feel guilty in even talking about her in this post. I was sitting in the dining room just wanting her to come in and hold me, but she's sleeping. And even if I told her, she already knows I am unhappy, and it would just hurt her more to go through this same route of me saying, I'm depressed and crying mom. No one knows I'm crying, and my friends don't know how much pain I really am in, because I don't want to tell them. They have their own lives. I'm embarrassed to tell them hey-I'm not doing good. I don't know what to do, I'm sick of medication, I thought the Lex was helping, but ever since I increased my Lamictal 3 days ago, I have fell into a depression again.
Does ANYONE have any experience with this happening to them with Lamictal, or does anyone think that meds are just not going to cut it for me? I took an extra 1mg of Klonopin and an extra flexeril today just to sleep and maybe calm down, this pattern happened back in April and I ended up in the hospital, I don't want to go there.
Thanks for anyone who got this far in reading this, I needed to post hoping to get some sort of suggestion, to reach out, and to vent. Thank you for reading this far if you did.
galkeepinon
poster:galkeepinon
thread:259309
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/259309.html