Posted by Susan J on September 8, 2003, at 12:21:43
In reply to What's the Deal w/Depression???? Help! , posted by Susan J on September 5, 2003, at 12:55:43
Thank you guys, as always, for being so supportive.
My trip ended up being fairly cool by the end of it....just in time to go home. :-)
But one of the things that has made me really depressed, or at least helped keep me there when I was trying to get away from it, is a very unhealthy relationship with a male friend. He wasn't even a boyfriend, even though it had all the drama of that.
He's the guy, in case any of you remember reading my post, that swore up and down that he loved me, that I was his best friend, etc. but that he wasn't ready to date anyone, not even me....and then I called him one night feeling pretty darned close to suicide, wanted someone to cheer me up a bit, and he just told me to call my therapist because that's what I paid her for.
Nice, huh? Treats me lower than an animal, and we were supposed to be friends. That's not how *I* treat my friends. That's not even how I'd treat people I didn't really care for....
Anyway, been taking the past few months to get over him, get away from him, and so on. I get back to work and he has sent me an e-mail (we work together, unfortunately).
Wants to see me, something big has happened in his life, and he needs to talk to me.....
Turns out he had been up in Canada too(which annoys me I don't know why), hanging out at a cabin with some friends, and they crucified him for how he treated me. He *now* sees the error of his ways, he's horribly sorry that he hurt me so badly, and he asked my forgiveness, and wants us to be friends again.
Now I guess *I'm* the bad guy cuz I have a really hard time forgiving him or not being mad at him or whatever.
I told him he doesn't deserve my friendship, so apology accepted but I don't want to talk to him. Ever.
But of course, I'm now obsessing about him, hurting by reliving the bad stuff he's done to me....
It's one of those times I just can't control my brain.....I just keep thinking about him. I mean, he's the first person in my *life* that I actually felt true hatred toward. I hoped he'll have cruddy relationships from now on, that someone, or a few someones would break his heart as badly as he broke mine.
Healthy of me, huh? :-) And I really don't see a way to make it a healthy relationship...*ever*. And even *that* depresses me, because we really really did have strong feelings for one another.
And the only thing, I think, that would make me feel better is that if he fell stupid head over heels in love with me, wanted only me, and declared his undying love for me.....and I just totally reject him.
Even healthier, huh? No wonder I'm screwed up.
Comments? Advice?
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:257298
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/258067.html