Posted by kara lynne on September 7, 2003, at 16:15:17
In reply to Kara Lynne?, posted by fallsfall on September 6, 2003, at 18:52:20
Hi fallsfall,
Thank you for writing. I was going to look for you today too. It's so nice to come here and see people caring, more than I can say. I must admit I was feeling a bit alienated. I didn't feel lighthearted enough to post in the threads above and I didn't know how to fit in. I went into some kind of funk and thought I was never going to get out of bed. I finally did today (at 1pm) and felt much better. I realized I have a love/hate relationship with my bed. It's really all I ever want to do--have it be the end of the day so I can get into bed--but I end up so depressed if I stay there too long.My ex called one of my friends yesterday. He left a couple of messages first--now he's graduated to saying he misses and loves me. That's up from saying he's sad I don't want to be his buddy. But then he called my closest friend yesterday and said he doesn't know what to do because he's left me so many messages and I won't respond. He asked her if I was alright and if I passed my test. (She lied and said yes, but she was so flustered she didn't really know what to say. I wish she had just said that's for me to tell him or not, but I completely understand her being taken off guard.) This is the woman I stopped telling about his calls because she so much wanted us to stay together and she tends to minimize his actions.
Fortunately (I guess) she had to get off the phone and they didn't talk long. I have such mixed feelings about it: On the one hand I wonder why she didn't take the opportunity to tell him a few things, like that he broke my heart and could try apologizing. Again, he didn't really make any declaration that he wanted to be with me and work things out, he just voiced his frustration that I wouldn't call him back.
I don't know, maybe I'm asking for too much. My friend says this *is* his attempt at working things out, however lame it may be. And I am so frigging lonely and depressed it's making me physically sick. We talked about the possibility of her calling him back and explaining a few things. But then we went over how unhappy I was in the relationship and decided it was best that she just leave it alone. In all fairness she was trying to be supportive of me by getting off the phone so quickly with him in the first place. To top things off she's going in for--yes--brain surgery to have a tumor removed on Tuesday, so this isn't something she needs to be dealing with. I suggested a few months ago that she get an MRI because there is a high incidence of cerebral aneurism in her family. Well she took me up on it and there was no aneruism, but there was a large tumor pressing on her optic nerve. She's got the best surgeon in the country, and he's done thousands of these operations so I'm confident she will be ok, but it's still nervewracking of course.
Anyway, that's where things are today. It really threw me last night when she called and told me he had contacted her. She said she almost didn't tell me. I hope she doesn't call him on impulse, which I wouldn't put past her at the moment. The whole thing stirred me up again, wondering if I should indeed throw myself back in the lion's den.
But fallsfall, I didn't call him. I remember how unhappy I was in that relationship. I don't know what it is that sneaks back in the mind like a tule fog and starts to make me doubt that.
Thank you for being here and toiling through such a long post. This is a lifeline I don't want to lose.
poster:kara lynne
thread:257677
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/257863.html