Posted by Penny on September 2, 2003, at 10:33:51
that some people think you should always talk about how you're feeling, ask for help when you are down, etc., but when you do, they act overburdened by what you have to say?
Yes, I'm going on about my dear darling roommate again. She returns home today from her long weekend away, and I'm dreading it. Even though she was all nicey-nice when she left and even called me Friday evening to see how my sleep clinic and pdoc appointments went.
My parents were here over the weekend and we went Saturday night to the sad sad Carolina football game. Still, I got quite misty-eyed at the beginning when they played the national anthem followed by the alma mater. The last time I was in that stadium was my college graduation. It was great seeing all the students decked out in Carolina blue and cheering the Tar Heels to their loss to Florida State (ugh!!!!!).
So, that too was enough to bring tears to my eyes AGAIN.
The parents left on Sunday, and I didn't feel well anyway, so spent the remainder of the day Sunday sleeping and doing laundry. Then I pretty much slept all day yesterday as I had a splitting headache that I couldn't shake. Finally got rid of it last night, just in time to go to bed.
What a holiday.
And, with all my free time, a couple of things occurred to me about my roommate situation:
First, she asked me why I want to move in December - and I didn't think about it at the time, but she is the one who came home and said she was moving, well before I ever mentioned it. I will remind her of that if and when she brings up the subject again.
Second, she has gotten upset with me on more than one occasion for not telling her when I feel bad (hence my question at the beginning of this nonsensical post). One night I lay awake a long time thinking/fantasizing in a way about suicide - how I would do it, the plans surrounding it, etc. I didn't get up and go to her in the middle of the night and say, "I need to talk..." I didn't want to talk. I continued feeling bad the following day and she asked what was wrong and I finally told her and then she said, "Well, you could've come and woken me up. You don't have to lay there when you feel that way," etc. etc. But what I tried to tell her is that I didn't want her 'help', or her attempt at help, and if she truly understood where I was coming from, she would realize that.
She acts as though I'm supposed to tell her everytime I'm feeling bad. But, to add insult to injury, when I AM honest with her about how I am feeling, she acts as though I'm placing this big burden on her shoulders. As though she is trying to bear the weight that I am trying to bear on my own. I don't WANT her to take on my depression. As crazy as it sounds, it is MY depression, and no one can take the pain away from me, and the only people I truly trust to help me deal with it are my therapist and my pdoc, and the folks on this board.
I feel like she tries to mother me, and in the process is smothering me, and when I don't turn out to be as dependent on her as she would like, she gets resentful.
And, again, I can't take it anymore. She's not my mother. She's not my sister, or my aunt, or even my cousin. Not that those people have any more of a right to try to 'fix' things for me than she does, but she tries to intertwine her life into mine too much. And if I don't let her completely take care of me, she shuns me. It's all or nothing at all.
Why is that?
poster:Penny
thread:256313
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/256313.html