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Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? fallsfall

Posted by Penny on August 24, 2003, at 1:10:28

In reply to Re: Why do I always say the wrong things? Penny, posted by fallsfall on August 23, 2003, at 22:17:40

> You have written about this roommate and things being a bit tense. I don't recall you writing about anybody else. Have you? Above you say that you are always hurting people, and unable to maintain friendships. Do you have examples of this? Please note that one example in 9th grade isn't going to convince me that you are awful. How many friendships have you LOST?

I had other friends in Charlotte, before I moved, all co-workers. But here I really only have my roommate. I mean, yesac and I have had coffee a couple of times, and I'm seeing a friend from college tomorrow who I haven't seen in two years, and I saw a friend from high school a couple of months ago, but most of my coworkers are older than I am and don't live around here, so no one to go do things with, and the friend I'm seeing tomorrow lives in Raleigh, which (with construction) is about a 45 minute drive for me. And I went out with this guy a few times recently, but that didn't work out.

I guess what I'm referring to is letting go of what friends I do have, by not staying in touch, not visiting, not calling, etc., and also feeling like the friends I'm around the most can't tolerate me.

It occurred to me after posting this afternoon that I'm really tired (again) of people worrying about me. And I guess as long as I'm honest with folks about how I'm feeling, they're going to worry. And the feeling I get from some people (i.e. my roommate and some family) is that they can't handle my issues (and I don't ask them to) and they are almost ashamed of my problems.

What I mean is that I'm very outspoken about my depression and medication and therapy, and if someone shows no interest I don't share my story with them. But I meet people all the time (including one of the girls who was visiting my roommate last night) who ask me questions and share their own experiences. The girl I was talking to was talking about her being on Zoloft and, as we started talking about sleep drugs, asked me what I was taking now, and I told her. Then my roommate tells me later that she would prefer I didn't discuss those things with her friends, that it makes them uncomfortable.

Which, in turn, makes me feel like she is really the one uncomfortable.

But then makes me question if I'm too outspoken - but I know that for me it makes me feel better when someone else knows what I am going through, and so many people have experience with mental illness and I do try to share my story so that they can either know they're not alone or can have a little more awareness of the reality of it. Perhaps I should just keep my mouth shut. But it's not like I go to her friends and say, "Yeah, I was just in the hospital and I take all this medication and don't you want to hear my life story???" I don't say anything unless the subject comes up, and then I share my story, if the person appears to want to hear it.

She certainly didn't have any problem telling people why I was in the hospital - including the girl who was taking care of my dogs who I didn't know very well at all. She could have said I was just in the hospital, but she told her why, and she told the neighbor why, and so on. So, I guess it's okay for her to tell people things about me, but it's not okay for me to tell people things about me. I don't really care who knows I was in the hospital - again, if everything else in my life is done in vain, maybe I can at least make someone realize they're not alone in this.

I don't know. I'm not thinking very clearly at the moment as I do need to get some rest. And I have a busy day tomorrow, which is good. But I didn't hear back from my pdoc tonight which bothers me.

Rambling here....

> Don't base your whole self view on your interactions with one person. And why would the WORLD be better off without you because your roommate is mad? I won't be better off without you.

Thank you, fallsfall. I appreciate that.





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