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Why do I always say the wrong things?

Posted by Penny on August 23, 2003, at 15:15:47

Spiraling downhill again last night and today after another argument with my roommate/best friend last night.

The short story: I got home from my pdoc appointment and there were two of her friends here and she made a comment about her sleep problems and her doc wanting her to take Ambien and I made the comment that after her first experience with Ambien (hallucinations), I was nervous about her taking it again, and then I started talking to one of her friends (someone she's just recently met) about my med trials and sleep meds and she was asking me questions and telling me about taking Zoloft and so on. Well, after my comment to the roommate about Ambien, she snapped back with "And you're not my medical doctor."

Okay - fine - once AGAIN I overstep my boundaries. Just can't learn to keep my friggin' mouth shut. I went to my room and she came up after her friends left and said "If you have a concern about something I'm taking, you need to talk to me about it in private. Also, I am not comfortable with you talking to my friends about your medication and depression."

And, as is par for the course, I ended up in tears and she told me how I misinterpret things she says and I'm not honest with her and so on, so I said, "Well, I feel like it's always my fault - everything that goes wrong between us is MY fault. I misinterpret. I misperceive. I say the wrong things, think the wrong things, do the wrong things." And she said she didn't feel that way, but continued to use the "You do this" language.

So, immediately, my thoughts turn to suicide and how the world would be better off without me. And how I wish I had all of my pills. Right now she's gone to a wedding and I'm sitting here alone posting and feeling nervous and frustrated and angry and sad. Really really sad. I am babysitting tonight, so that will take my mind off of things for a while (I love children), but that's only temporary.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I really don't know why I always seem to stick my foot in my mouth. Why I speak without thinking first. Or why when I do think before speaking, I still say the wrong things. Why I'm always hurting people. Why I'm unable to maintain friendships.

Obviously my desire to become a therapist is out the window, because who am I to be guiding other people in their lives? My perception of other people is obviously way off. I don't understand it.

I really hurt inside. And I hate myself.

I've paged my pdoc and am going to page him again when I finish posting.

Why am I so screwed up??????





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