Posted by yesac on July 18, 2003, at 16:37:30
Okay, I know that I post about this like every day, but I am just so worried about my time off. It seems like most weekends usually turn out pretty okay for the most part, of course they have their down times like the rest of my life. But is just so treacherous to me to have this time on my hands and not feel like doing anything but being so bored at the same time. I'm stressed actually about all this free time, because I really feel like I should be using it to do something constructive, either for myself for fun/enjoyment, or for "life improvement", my future, etc. But I also don't want to fill up my time with activities that I hate or dread all the time.
Another problem is that I just feel like these times of boredom and aloneness are when I get the most depressed lately. I think that if I am busy and active, I enjoy my alone time pretty well. I don't need to always be with people, especially if I don't like them or feel comfortable with them (like my roomates for example). But when the aloneness feels like it's not my choice, it's just how it is, well... it really sucks. I've been alone a lot in my life because I am just independent, aloof, shy, whatever you want to call it.
I get so depressed racking my brain trying to come up with something to do. I sort of fear leaving work every day, which is why I am still here. I wish I had some errands or something to do but I don't. It's why I've turned to drinking lately, even though I totally know that isn't a good idea and probably will just make me more depressed and possibly less inhibited when it comes to suicide stuff... not that I feel that I won't be able to control it or anything, but you know, your thoughts get distorted under the influence.
I am not a person who is exceptionally exhausted or anything, or can just sleep all weekend. I'm more on the agitated side of things, not exactly full of energy, but I just can't lounge around too well. I need to get out. I need to do things.
Oh, you guys, I really don't think that I can express how awful this is for me. It is truly horrible! Please please help!
poster:yesac
thread:243271
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/243271.html