Posted by mmcasey on June 6, 2003, at 12:17:03
Hi everyone... Well, I don't really know if anyone has noticed my absence over the past month or so (and that isn't meant as some sort of self-pitying guilt trip as more of just a statement of fact, at least I don't think so!). I decided not to post for a while for various reasons, but I have been occasionally reading the posts. But I thought that I'd give an update about my life over the past few weeks.
Well, I went home for my sister's graduation. I moved last October 800 miles away from my family to start up a life for myself. It's been Hard to say the least, considering my already overwhelming depression before I even moved. But anyway. A week after coming backI broke up with the guy I'd been seeing for about 2 months. That was 2 weeks ago. I can't exactly say that I feel good about it, but I think that right now it is for the best. I have found that breakups are basically always hard, even if I am the one to initiate them.
My therapist of 6 months who was a student graduated a few weeks ago, and I am therefore no longer seeing her... which has been INCREDIBLY (and I can't emphasize this enough!) hard for me to deal with, almost unbearable. I am seeing someone new, someone older and more experienced, but it is the beginning and of course I just don't
feel yet like I can rely on her and all that. Besides, it doesn't matter because I still miss my old therapist so much and I think that I always will. I also have a psychiatrist who I really like (this is a first for me, to actually LIKE my psychiatrist instead of just tolerate them out of necessity). But both he and my therapist are away this weekend, which leaves me at times feeling very alone!! Also, my roomates are away, one of them is cat sitting and the other is gone for 3 weeks. There is a strange ironic-ness to how I feel about that, because most of the time I don't
really like having them around, not because I don't like them or anything, but they just don't know me very well and know about my very deep problems, and I find that it is just too much for me much of the time to have to deal with them being around. I don't really feel totally comfortable with them either. The ironic thing, though, is that since they aren't around, I feel a bit lonely or something, like no one would even notice if I just didn't come home kind of thing. I find it sad to think that I'm alone in the house and to come home and it's all dark and quiet. But another
thing is that they are both moving out in July and I am trying to find new roomates, which is an annoying task and of course I'm worried about having to adjust to living with new people when the time comes. I'm fairly shy and "aloof" with people that I don't know and even with people that I do know.I'm taking my GRE in a week from today. I actually have been studying and practicing and I think that I might do okay. Hopefully. Because I really don't want to have to take it again.
I feel shockingly good right now, which is why this post might sound almost cheerful. But I haven't felt nearly so good most of the time, which isn't different really than ever. Overall right now, I just have been feeling a sense of extreme bleakness about my life. I don't know how else to describe it exactly. I have not felt quite so suicidal recently as I have at other times, mainly I think because of this idea that if I were to kill myself, I'll never get the chance to know if my life can ever be better. I think that there is that potential, although I highly doubt it sometimes because it's
been this way for so long and I feel so sad and depressed when I think back over my life and how depressed I have been over the years. I can't think of a time since about age 14 or 15 that I have felt consistently okay for any length of time. I hate this.Also, I'm afraid of my depression basically ruining my life and my chosen career path. I am planning to go to graduate school for social work, and I basically feel like what if I can't do it? Like I am not emotionally stable enough to possibly be able to help others the way that I want to. I am also terrified of not even getting into the school that I want to go to, which is actually where I work now, but in the medical school, in psychiatry research.
Well, I know that this is quite long, so thanks for reading.
I am hoping that I can get through this weekend okay without going down again, which probably won't happen, but let's just hope.
poster:mmcasey
thread:231910
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030604/msgs/231910.html