Posted by 2sense on May 31, 2003, at 14:00:40
In reply to Re: What is passive aggression?, posted by coral on May 19, 2003, at 6:55:21
> As I understand it, passive/aggressive behavior is overt agreement/covert refusal as a pattern.
>
> Mary: John, will you mow the lawn on Tuesday?
>
> John: Sure.
>
> On Wednesday, Mary says, "John, you agreed you'd mow the lawn on Tuesday."
>
> John: "I forgot."
>
> This one instance, by itself, could be simple forgetfulness. However, if there is a repeated behavior of agreement and refusal, it's p/a behavior.
>
> The statement, "I forgot" is two-fold. First, John "forgot" to do what he said he'd do, "forgot" to tell Mary he didn't do it and there's a 'helplessness' in the forgetfulness. "Geez,Mary, I forgot. How can you be mad at me?" Or, other examples include the lawn mower broke,("Geez, Mary, how can you be mad because the lawn mower broke?")...there's no responsibility on John's part to get the lawn mower fixed or tell Mary he couldn't comply.
>
> P/A behavior is commonly a control mechanism WHILE avoiding conflict. John agrees to something he doesn't want to do (rather than saying "No" or negotiating a different action) and something consistently happens that prevents him from complying.
>
> Another variant is John will mow the lawn on Wednesday; again, control that he'll do it when he chooses.
>
> A really nasty variant is when John's change in plans he's agreed to, causes difficulty for Mary, such as not making it to the dry cleaners in time to pick up her evening gown for tonight's dance.
>
> One hallmark of P/A is that the person won't bring up a difficult topic (not wanting to mow), and acts attacked when the other person does bring it up.
>
> It's also presumed that the passive person in a relationship is actually the power person.
>
> My two cents...
>
> CoralBINGO !!! I am married to a PA and he says that what he does is * not * provoking AND I am a nag.
A nag can be someone who was told N times that something would get done and then doesn't do it, and as you wrote so very well, does the PA dance of deflection, indignation, gas lighting, oh the list goes on. So the 'nag' chooses their battles, so to speak ... but the true PA steps up to the plate each and every time ... it is exhausting ... if there are children involved and/or the PA is the sole bread winner well you are all very bright and insightful ... I suspect I am just preaching to the choir ...
Just my 2sense :-)
poster:2sense
thread:227551
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/230439.html