Posted by leeran on April 11, 2003, at 11:14:29
In reply to Re: to the sensitive ones, posted by mambo on April 11, 2003, at 9:15:10
Andy,
Yes, you are SO right!
People have always told me you can "relax" with your second child (or subsequent children). No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm relaxed in my parent role, I'm really not – and probably haven’t been since we brought our son home from the hospital and put him in the center of the kitchen table (in his baby seat) and said “now what?”
Many people have told me that the first child is always the trailblazer, the miner's parakeet that you are too afraid to let out of the cage. My closest “real life” friend has four children and an overabundance of serotonin (and more common sense than I'll ever hope to have). She has always been a little nervous with her oldest because he was the first to cross every bridge (whereas by the time the 2nd, 3rd and 4th came along she kind of knew the ropes).
As the mother of an O.C. (I like your acronym) I can attest to everything you have said, because, I too, live my life thinking "oh no, what if . . . "
I wish I could refrain from that kind of thinking but honestly, where my son's concerned, that overprotective mother feeling far outweighs any other emotion (other than love). Throw in a little guilt (not for anything in particular - just because it's always there as the backdrop in my life) and the result is one big neurotic, hand-wringing pain in the ass that constantly second guesses her ability to play mother.
LUCKILY, my son has a good sense of humor. I always tell him he has enough material on me to do an hour of stand-up (no one can mimic me better than he can and no one else would dare to – lol!).
Andy, your insights are very helpful. I've lived my life as an female only child but I have an impact on the life of a male only child and I really don't want to cause him any additional angst that might otherwise be avoided (yeah, right – easily said in a message box).
I'm curious . . . (and you don't have to answer). Do you feel you have a close relationship with your mother? If that's too personal I understand completely!
Regarding my relationship with my mother, growing up I always felt a combination of fear/distrust/obligation and total devotion toward her. Nowadays, the fear and distrust have dissipated (thanks to Paxil - her dosage) and she has truly emerged as someone I can really count on emotionally. This wasn't always the case because her depression was profound and unchecked for decades and really robbed her of a lot of good years. Back in those days a psychiatrist or therapist wasn't really heard of (at least not in my midwestern family) so I often played the counselor role. I really wanted to help fix what was broken, even from a very young age (5 or 6). Little did I know that 30 - 40 years later one little pill at 4:00 p.m. daily would be the best fix possible.
I remember being totally surprised (as an adult) when she described me as one of her best friends (and daughter, of course) to someone she just met. I think her fear and anxiety all those years had been masked as something I always interpreted as aloofness.
Now, I wonder if I come off the same way with my own child. Definitely something to contemplate (and work on).
I just put my son on a plane this morning to go visit his father. The parakeet's out of the cage and I'll be nervous until I know he's arrived safely.
Actually, I become very nervous about a week or two before he leaves and I suspect my sideline visits to this board have been a by-product of that nervous energy.
Thanks, Andy, for being so open about your own experience. You sound so evolved for 24 and you have given me a different perspective on the only child “experience.”
Lee
poster:leeran
thread:218105
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030407/msgs/218499.html