Posted by bozeman on February 23, 2003, at 22:59:19
In reply to Re: Garlic, Onions, and Cats, posted by lostsailor on February 21, 2003, at 11:18:52
As usual, you made me LOL . . .
Actually, I think he's been abducted and a pseudo-mechanical-boyfriend-thing left in his place, and that if I were to open it up, I'd find a rabid wolverine inside pulling the strings. :-)
It's finally gone too far, I'm afraid. Not so far that he's done something absolutely horrible, but so far that I'm not sure I can cling to the illusion that things will be fine between us. As long as I keep my mouth shut and let him have his neurotic psychotic fits, everything rocks along on a more-or-less even keel. But when I speak my mind, stand my ground, he seems to get more and more unbalanced because he starts questioning my love and loyalty (internally, and worse, unconsciously, he would never question either to my face.) You would think that after all these years he would know that is something he need never question, but we're not talking logic here, we're talking insecurities, emotions, baggage, and illogic -- of which he has plenty.
So, along with nursing Zorro night and day, navigating my other life-crises (budget hell, depositions, family crises, my own illness (respiratory and psychological), legal deadlines, financial and weather stress) I'm mourning the inevitable breakup that's coming. I've been in bed sick for four days, and he hasn't even called me. Because he knows he acted like a big jerk and he needs to apologize. But he can't apologize because that would start a whole big scene that would stress me while I'm sick. And he's not sure I would forgive him if he did apologize. So he's worked himself into an absolute pretzel and consequently, will probably blow up at me again the next time I see him. Then will kick himself again for blowing up at me for no reason, and tie himself into another pretzel, etc.
I see no way out of this, short of me doing what I've been doing, which is pushing myself back into a box so he doesn't go through these self-destructive cycles. But life is too short for me to live that way, and I'm out of time. My clock is expiring, and if I'm ever going to have children, I have to find another mate, because I'll be at least fifty before this one gets a clue. It's sad, and I really do love him, and I know he loves me, but I know him well enough to know what he's capable of, and this is beyond him. Not because he wouldn't do it, but because the stubborn ass won't accept help. He complains that he feels bad, so what does he do? Tells the doctor part of the story when he's in for his (mandatory) physical. Dr. gives him a sample of Paxil. He takes it on again, off again, says it doesn't work for him. So does he go back to the doctor? No. He starts self-medicating buying stuff over the internet. Several times he's worked himself into such a state that he doesn't remember anything for several days at a stretch. Even his internet meds, he takes when he feels like, not on any regular schedule, so I can only imagine what he's doing to his brain chemistry. And *I*'m not a doctor so *I* couldn't possibly know what I'm talking about. <ggggrrrrrrrrrr!!!>
He's a beautiful, loving, giving soul, much of the time. And a complete stubborn idiotic ass the rest of the time. The bottom line is, I can't raise children with someone like that, who is still that unstable (and at his age, he should darn well know better.)
So the breakup is a foregone conclusion. I just haven't had the strength or energy to initiate it. And, of course, I will have to initiate it. You'd just have to know him. He's wonderful but maddening, the kind of guy you'd love to have for a friend or neighbor, but, unfortunately, not someone you can live with. Which is why we don't already live together. I wasn't about to de-stabilize my hard-won physical/financial stability until he was ready to *ask* me to move in with him. So I never brought it up. And here we are, after all this time, "in love" but not living together. He hasn't changed one iota in all these years. And I didn't feel good enough to push that issue, or any issue, due to the depression (which admittedly was secondary to many physical problems, which I have slowly addressed one by one, with the help of my wonderful doctor, Thank God I found her.) But I do feel good enough now, to realize I can't get anywhere like this, and that this is just making him miserable by stretching him so far outside of his comfort zone.
So once again, I am reliving my ongoing (but sadly never successfully achieved) story of my life: "Educated, funny, competent, statuesque, creative, attractive, professional Christian lady seeks male complement. "Daddy figure" not required, strong self-image, spritual beliefs, and open mind a must." But somehow, I always end up with men who define themselves in relation to the woman in their lives -- and since I defy description, apparently, they can't "see" themselves, don't know who they "need" to be in relation to me, and slowly get more and more dysfunctional until they crack. I'm not blaming them for this, but I'm out of time playing the game so I have to figure out what I'm doing that's attracting men that can't, ultimately, handle being with me, so I can fix it, or resign myself to never having a family. Not sure yet if I can do that.
Tell Aurora thanks for the paw-crossing, and thanks for listening. If she needs any migrant workers for that catnip farm, I'll send my soon-to-be-ex boyfriend her way. He's great under stress, good on tasks, a very hard worker and a good soul, just can't handle the stress of a long-term relationship. Migrant work is short-term, isn't it, so he should be perfect. :-)
Wally (my smallest and snuggliest cat) just jumped in my lap, purred in my ear, walked up my shoulder to the back of my chair, and sat on my head. I think that's a hint, wouldn't you say?
Night!
bozeman
poster:bozeman
thread:201723
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030223/msgs/203217.html