Posted by noa on February 3, 2003, at 19:24:14
In reply to Re: Fickle therapists, posted by Eddie Sylvano on February 3, 2003, at 10:24:37
I feel I am quite open with my therapist. In fact, I don't feel that I can lie to him. The only time I withheld important feelings was one time when I was suicidal. Before that time, I had been honest about my suicidal feelings. But that time, I had told myself not to tell him because if I told him it would be harder to go through with it. But the entire therapy session that day, I was sitting there totally conflicted because it was hard to lie to him and withhold my suicidal intentions, but on the other hand I was trying to keep to my plan not to tell him.
Well, I ended up telling him in the last 10 minutes of the session--I just could not continue to decieve him. He was angry that I withheld it until the end, but we went into crisis mode and did a safety agreement verbally. I actually was kind of relieved in a way. I still felt suicidal but I kind of let myself accede to his judgement--kind of suspending my own because my judgment was pretty bad at the moment.
We set another appointment up the next day, and during that appointment, after checking safety, etc., he told me he had felt angry at my waiting until the end of the session and that if I am feeling suicidal I must tell him right away. He also kind of read me the riot act, telling me that if I cannot keep myself safe, I would need a higher level of care, whether hospitalization or day treatment, but that he felt he could not provide enough structure for me in outpatient care while I was that suicidal.
I agreed to continue the safety agreement and not to pull an end-of-session bomb on him again.
Anyway, that is the only time I was purposely deceptive with my therapist. It was a few years ago.
When I avoid topics or feelings it is not because I am afraid to tell him, it is because allowing myself to think/feel certain things is highly uncomfortable for me.
When I was younger and first started therapy in another city, I was very scared and embarrased to bring up difficult things, even things that don't seem so hard to me now, like anger, especially anger at the therapist. I took to writing my therapist letters to raise issues. Then, once the ice was broken via the letters, I could tolerate talking about the feelings. This was also because it was easier for me to express my thoughts and feelings in writing than in person, especially when I was feeling flooded by my emotions in the therapy sessions.
poster:noa
thread:35870
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030201/msgs/36272.html