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Football , stigma, and divulging your illness

Posted by Greg A. on January 30, 2003, at 13:09:24

Just reading some of the posts relating to the ever present stigma of mental illness; peoples’ fears about getting jobs, of crowds, and the general lack of confidence in yourself: the type that seems to allow ‘normal’ people to disregard the opinions of others or at least assess them as being wrong and let them go.
I posted some time ago about my experience last fall with hospitalization and ECT for treatment resistant depression. Unfortunately, I felt worse after the series of treatments but decided after five weeks off work, to return. I have held this same job for over 20 years and while I have gone through numerous periods of depression, I have missed very little work time and I think I am generally regarded as being pretty competent at what I do.
My return was complicated by a female coworker with whom I had a five year relationship (Non physical but not through lack of effort on my part!) who decided I was dangerous and phoned the cops. (and also reported this to my boss and another management member)
I have been very open about my depression and the reason for my absence from work, perhaps open to a fault. I forget that most people have a very limited understanding of mental illness and while they tend to treat you pretty normally when you are well they can be very distant when you are not and they think they know the reason. My boss has told me several times that he ‘knows what I am going through.’ He has demonstrated that he doesn’t have a clue. I gave him Kay Jamison’s description of depression from the epilogue of ‘An Unquiet Mind’ which I think he read as if it were a study of alien behaviour on a distant planet. Just to make this a long and boring post here it is:
“Depression is awful beyond words or sounds or images: I would not go through an extended one again. It bleeds relationships through suspicion, lack of confidence and self respect, the inability to enjoy life, to walk or talk or think normally, the exhaustion, the night terrors, the day terrors. There is nothing good to be said for it except that it gives you the experience of how it must be to be old, to be old and sick, to be dying; to be slow of mind; to be ugly; to have no belief in the possibilities of life, the pleasures of sex, the exquisiteness of music, or the ability to make yourself and others laugh.
Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief; you are irritable and paranoid and humourless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened and you’re frightening and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t”

Anyway – I am now being considered for a move out of this office as part of staff re-organization. I was told that this would be good for me and would help with the uncomfortable situation with the co-worker. Does wonders for my solid sense of self-esteem. I asked my boss if I had returned from oh say . . . back surgery if the results would be the same. No response. To top this all off, I am still extremely depressed, struggling to do my job and to carry on with life. Like many of you I have trouble being around people which makes even going to the coffee room an effort. I know I am overly sensitive to the opinions and actions of others right now but I can’t help but wonder if most of them would be more comfortable if I were moved. They know too much about me and regardless of how long they have known me, it changes the way they now see me. Could I be dangerous just like some of the people you hear about in the news? How do they know if I am ‘cured’?
I do have friends, both at work and outside, but this illness has caused me to distance myself from many people, friends included. I am not very social. I am unhappy. I am often tired and unenthusiastic. Like Ms. Jamison, I feel hollow, flat and devoid of emotions.
There’s no point I am trying to make here. I feel for those of you who are struggling with getting work or staying at work. You are fighting a battle with this illness that most people are ignorant of and sometimes your best is far below where you want it to be. Every setback is temporary, though perhaps necessary, and is due to the illness, not to lack of effort on your part. Look at every small step forward as a major accomplishment – because it is.

Greg A.


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poster:Greg A. thread:35944
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030120/msgs/35944.html