Posted by Mikhail99 on December 18, 2002, at 8:56:02
In reply to Please help me, I am so lonely and wish I was dead, posted by PhoenixGirl on December 18, 2002, at 0:18:44
> I feel that I am the loneliest person on earth, and I have been lonely for almost my entire life. This may be feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it because the pain is excruciating. I'm 24 now, and for most of my life I've been rejected and had to move around also. There is so much to this I don't know how to begin. What I know for sure is that loneliest is an unlivable condition, and I'd rather be dead than live with this agony that has consumed most of my life. My family is not supportive at all....My mom is a manic depressive who has slept during at least half the hours of the day for all my life, my dad is a bitter and critical old man, and my one sibling is my twin sister who has barely spoken to me for years.
> I've attempted suicide several times, first when I was 14 years old. Since age 13, I've been tried on almost every antidepressant that exists, including shock treatments. When I got shock treatments, I didn't even have someone to drive me there for the many maintenance treatments I've had. I had to trudge through the snow to the ECT clinic.
> I have tried countless times to make friends, but my social skills did not get a chance to develop during childhood and adolescence. I'm terrified to trust people too because I'm afraid they will hurt me. Depression has repelled people away from me also. I have tried so hard, so hard you would not even believe it. After these many years with almost no friends of any sort, and absolutely no close friends, I am somehow still alive.
> I believe in the Beatles song "All You Need Is Love". It's like food, you have to have it to survive. I'm a very loving person, I have so much love in my heart for everyone and everything that feels. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way that I do. I think about wanting to be blown to smithereens, to shoot myself in the chest, to close my garage door and lie there with the car running, to just die. I'm already dead in every way except physically.
> All this, and people tell me I have it all. They're strangers or acquaintances of course. I have been told by so many people that I should be a model, because I'm 6'1" and they think I am beautiful. I graduated from college with very high grades. None of this means anything to me. All I want is to have love, mutual love.
> I don't know what I'm asking for right now, I am just so lonely that I can't bear it. I've thought for many years that when my parents die, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do it while they're alive because that would be so cruel. My sister will probably be alive still, but the best I can do is spare my parents because they're not going to live a long time.
> Why is the world so ugly? I need help.I'm just aching for you and how much pain you're in! You're right, the world is an ugly place but there is still love and humanity to be found. I'm hoping and praying that you won't do anything to hurt yourself or remove yourself from the world, you have so much love and sensitivity to offer, don't give up! Are you in therapy or seeing a doctor for your depression currently? Please know that there are people who care about what happens to you, I care what happens to you. Keep us posted!
poster:Mikhail99
thread:33524
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021218/msgs/33549.html