Posted by wendy b. on December 12, 2002, at 14:15:19
In reply to Guilt, posted by NikkiT2 on December 12, 2002, at 10:14:39
Nikki,
I'm sorry you're having this problem. It makes our definition of "friendship" go out the window when shit like this happens.
Unfortunately, my sister did this to me when I came to the large, eastern-seaboard city where she lives; I was traveling there for a work-related conference. She came to my hotel as soon as I got into town, told me life wasn't worth living any more, that she'd thought of suicide, cried, and then she left. I was upset for the whole conference (4 days) and I was giving a paper, so I wanted to be on top of things. But I was a wreck from her doing that, and later (a few weeks after that) I became really angry.Someone advised me this: if she were REALLY suicidal, she wouldn't be moaning and crying - she'd be actively doing something. He said I would know whether or not to take her to the emergency room (and my gut told me she didn't need to go right then). He saw it as manipulative and hurtful. I would think what your "friend" is doing to you also qualifies as manipulative...
There is nothign you can do for her. You are too fragile to help anyone with problems of that magnitude, and you will have to tell her so. You are right, if she was really ready to act on it, she would not be moaning at your door. This is why it's manipulative and BAD for you to be around... Friends actually DON'T do this. So maybe you aren't losing something you never had. It's very hard when you feel your circle closing... But you have needs too, damn it... You need calm, support, empathy and love. I doubt anyone in her position would be able to give you that...
Set up boundaries to keep this kind of behavior away. For example: "If you're going to talk about suicide, I'll have to get off the phone." Tell her you would like some support too. Ask her if she thinks your relationship is one of equals, or are you always tending to what SHE needs. If she can't give as well as take, then you need to let her go...
I'm sorry you're in pain over this.
Best,
Wendy
> A friend is in a bad way, and it is really screwing me up.
>
> This friend is threatening suicide... I now dream about it and can think of little else.
>
> but there is nothing i can do, and so i feel this huge huge guilt thing that is causing me to just run away. Its something i cannot deal with right now as I'nm in a pretty damned bad way but can't open up about it...
>
> I am fe dup of friend sputting this kind of pressure on me.. When i feel relaly suicidal I go away and do it, I don't spend age stelling poeple I'm going to do it, as I would hate how that amde them feel.
>
> How do i deal with these feelings without losing the few areas of support I have??
>
> I no longer want friends. they all seem to end up making me feel like utter shit. Is it simply easier to have no friends??
>
> Nikki
poster:wendy b.
thread:33265
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021206/msgs/33274.html