Posted by Medusa on August 28, 2002, at 1:25:29
In reply to Why do we hate compliments?, posted by mair on August 27, 2002, at 20:59:27
Heh, this is a big theme for everybody, I bet.
For me, how I receive compliments depends on the source and the context.
- There are compliments that are all about the complimenter, and not about the complimentee. Like compliments from my parents. Anything positive I did reflect(ed/s) on THEM, and their compliments serve to make sure I know it. My mother criticised me ALL THE TIME about how I reacted to her compliments. She accepted and accepts compliments utterly without ANY thought for the source or ulterior motives or context, and I think that's silly.
- Then there are compliments-as-attempts-to-regain-favor. Compliments from my ILs are all about THEM trying to make me play their Haaaapppy Faaaaaaaamily game. I don't like any of them, they know it, and it's soooooooo funny to see them tiptoe around me looking for things to compliment. Sheesh. Most of them are of the Takey Tribe, and were furious when I put my foot down on their endless strings of requests for favors (some before they'd ever met me, when DH and I were dating long-distance). Their compliments are highly suspect - what do they want from me now?
- Comparative compliments are not well received by anyone, are they? Compliments about my appearance IRK me because they're a back-handed reference to the times when I look like crap. I once showed a therapist pictures from a holiday with my family, and she didn't recognize me in the pictures - our sessions were always in the a.m. before I went to the office, and in the holiday pix, I was in slouch gear. Styling makes a huge difference in my appearance, and I feel like that makes my emotional state SO transparent, and a "you look amazing, I barely recognized you" or even a "you look great!" feels like the comparison is implied.
- Local-commerce compliments I take as they come. I just made a suit. DH picked it up from the cleaners (a professional pressing makes it all look more polished) and relayed the cleaner-clerk's compliments on my work. I appreciate that, but I wouldn't turn around and tell someone the cleaner said I'm a gifted tailor. One, I'm NOT "a gifted tailor" - I'm a pretty good sewer for personal purposes. Nothing ready-to-wear fits properly, and I can't afford custom work by someone else. Two, and more importantly - she wants my business, so she's going to say nice things.
- Earned compliments, I take and savor and even extend in my head if I know I deserve it. Once at my last job, someone left abruptly, and the ad agency she'd brought in to produce a promotional brochure resigned the account, mid-project. I persuaded them to give me the files and the name of the printer they'd planned on using, and I managed the production. When the brochures arrived, I trotted one down to my boss. He probably had no idea what went into that, but I was proud and knew I'd done well outside my job description (I was an analyst, not a marketing person), so his compliment was easy to accept.
- Compliments as weapons against third parties, I can enjoy but don't take personally. Well, I take them as indicators that I'm learning to navigate the social ocean, that my efforts to play friendly are paying off. At a few recent obligatory parties, I got a lot of compliments from strangers, but they all hate my ILs and it was just in reference to what hell people think I must be giving them. When other guests asked me how I liked living here, I put on a good show of being okay. So their compliments weren't for me, but against someone else, and I got to laugh inside at my IL's complaints about me backfiring.
- Compliments that are intended as insults are probably my favorite. If someone I don't respect dislikes me, that's just about the best feeling there is.
And that's my rambling for today on compliments. I didn't mention the "I luuurrrve the color of your lipstick" compliments, because I haven't been in that scene in a long time, but I sort of miss those MIT engineers in a strange way. Ah, the days when clear lip balm was enough charm for desperate grad students.
poster:Medusa
thread:29399
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020820/msgs/29418.html