Posted by Roo on August 23, 2002, at 9:15:33
In reply to Re: Stop the ruminations?, posted by sl on August 22, 2002, at 20:12:06
Hey :-)
If you want to email me so you don't have to discuss
it publicly, my email is eckle002@mc.duke.edu.In the meantime...practicing forgiving yourself and trying
to treat yourself kindly. You feel you screwed up (my guess
is you are probably just being overly hard on yourself)...try
and just say "Okay, I screwed up. I didn't act in a way I would
have liked. I am human. I am flawed. So is everybody. It's okay".
And try and let it go. If you hurt someone, make amends to them. If
you just feel embarrassed and humiliated...just try and forgive
yourself. We have all been there, I'll bet. I remember not so long
ago I got drunk at a party and I thought I was being absolutely hilarious
at the time...but really what I was being was obnoxious and abusive. I kept slapping
my friend on the face...at first it was just wrestling and playing around, but
I kept doing it over and over, thinking it was so damn funny. Well I was
mortified the next day. I called and apologized and my friend said she
was a little taken aback by my behavior and thought it seemed very out of
character...and she forgave me. But it took me a MUCH longer time to
forgive myself...I just kept replaying the incident over and over again in
my head and thinking about how fucked up my behavior was, etc. I finally let it
go...but I wish I had been able to forgive myself sooner and spare myself some
of that misery.Another thing I can recommend is this formula my therapist gave me
that helps me when I'm having trouble with an emotion or thought.
Here's the secret formula :1. Awareness WITHOUT judgement ("What am I feeling? What am I trying
not to feel"?)2. Acceptance--just let yourself feel that emotion...let it be there...
experience it, accept it, notice where it is and how it feels in your body...
observe it as if you were an archeologist exploring new terrain..."Hmmm...humiliation...
how interesting....feels like a knot in my stomach...hmmm...there's sort of this pukey feeling...interesting"3. Diliteralize--notice the thoughts that are associated with the feeling...(For example, my
thoughts with my situation were 'I'm really fucked up...there's really something wrong with me...my
friend is going to dump me..."...so what you do is you notice these thoughts, and the stories you
are telling yourself, but you DON"T BELIEVE THEM....my shrink likens it to flipping through a magazine
looking at all the advertisments....you look, you notice, but you don't necessary BUY.4. Action of some sort. Ask yourself "What's the kindest thing I can do for myself
in this moment? There are two paths of action. One is just
acceptance. That's when you just sit with your feelings and don't try and change them...you just sit
with them...like you would a good friend who was going through a hard time. The other choice to be be
more active, to do some activity that might make you feel better--talk to a friend, take a walk, go see a
movie, whatever...Another thing I remember that my shrink told me about how to handle shame in particular
is whenever you feel shame, ask yourself the question: Is the shame justified or unjustified?
If it's justified, you repair the situation. If it's unjustified, you let it go.I know it's hard, but try and be kind to yourself. You haven't murdured anyone.
You are a good person.
poster:Roo
thread:29025
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020820/msgs/29108.html