Posted by wendy b. on June 11, 2002, at 15:01:18
Does anyone else know how this feels?
I've been lying here for 2 days, not able to work. If I don't work, I don't get paid. So that just adds to the anxiety...
And since we discussed the intricacies of Beardy's colonic experiences (youch!), I will venture to discuss my particular malady: hemorrhoids! Yeeeouch! again. And how do I spell it? Had to check the tube of ointment that stops the swelling. But it ain't working.
Yesterday, I saw the nurse practitioner (couldn't get in with one of the drs in the practice), and she examined me (how em-bare-ass-ing!) and said they did have blood clots in them, in medical-speak: they had 'thrombosed'. She was going to send me along home with the usual: drink the methylcellulose (Cirtrucel), use the cream, also suppositories, sitz baths, etc. I told her I had been doing all of it for 5 days already, with no relief, and I am in terrible pain. Also told her about the work situation, and she ultimately said it could be operated on to relieve the pain (although that itself would be very painful). But the family practice I go to could not do the surgery (I thought minor surgery was often done in dr's offices? is it a new thing that they don't? maybe a liability issue?)
More pain in the ass: no surgeon in the town I live in takes my insurance, which has been quite acceptable to 99% of the other practitioners here... So had to sit at the computer (ouch! and Ouch! right now, too) and check surgeons who take the insurance in the region. I called one in the next large town over, they said they could see me in a week and a half. So no go. Finally called my OB/GYN in that same town, cried that no one could see me, could my Dr please help? And he got me in to see a surgeon there, very nice of him. So they set me up for a procedure tomorrow.
But lying here for two days (I have taken many breaks from writing this to go lie down) has got me so depressed. The reasons I got the hemorrhoids in the first place were because of a lot of stress last week, which caused the constipation (the Neurontin also doesn't help, I think), which then caused enough pressure to make the hemorrhoids appear. And I think, what was I stressed about?
The list:
Lots of difficult classes to teach (I substitute teach, the children in each class were particularly nutty, lots of kids with ADD or autism are mainstreamed into regular classes).
Trying to break off a relationship that is not working out.
Being chewed out by my daughter's social studies teacher, because I had the audacity to critique the actor from the local theater who was teaching the kids in a special program in which they produced a play.
Trying for a month to get my shrink, the expert witness in an ADA lawsuit against my former employer, to fax an assessment of my disability to my lawyer, then:
seeing my lawyer about the case, and finding out from the lawyer that the shrink did a horrible job on the assessment of my psychological health. She had to answer questions re: my disability, very specific questions put to her by my lawyer, and she is such a flake, she did a very marginally acceptable job. I was horrified and then angry and then confused...
I suppose this last one was the kicker. So I lie here and wonder what's going on... Am I difficult to deal with? Is it everybody else? My interactions with others seem marred somehow. I feel abandoned by everyone, even the shrink, now, too. There is no one who cares enough about me to actually HELP me. The shrink said (before the meeting with the lawyer) that she sensed hostility in my tone at group the night before... I know this must have something to do with my bipolar, and I was certainly struggling with sleep last week... in the daytime I was tired, at night I was feeling hypomanic. The clock was just off.
So now I feel horrible, in pain, blaming myself for what are, of course, partially other people's issues. And I take them so badly, and felt so particularly hurt by the therapist's inability to help me with this lawsuit that could ostensibly bring me a large settlement... Why would she muddle it up so much? Simply a flake? or is there hostility on her part, too? Why would she be so late with the report, number one, and why didn't she answer the questions as they were put to her? If she had had a problem, why couldn't she have called me or the lawyer? Why this one-page, single-spaced monologue about me, not even signed, not using the language that would help me win the case?
But I have to get off my seat, just rambling now... Thoughts, comments, other ramblings and experiences welcome...
Wendy
poster:wendy b.
thread:25231
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020531/msgs/25231.html