Posted by Penny on March 27, 2002, at 22:00:23
and crashing and burning. feel like dying. was on cloud nine just this afternoon, and now I'm back in that all too familiar place known as hell.
Saw my pdoc today and he was pleased that I wasn't suicidal, but concerned that I was doing so 'well'. I felt good. Really good. Not "I can fly" good, but almost. And jittery. Like too much nervous energy. And I was soooo productive today. And yesterday. Got so much done at work and at home. And then CRASH.
What do you do when you can't do the only thing in life you really want to do? My dream is to be a doctor. Was always interested in obstetrics, but find myself (understandably!) drawn to psychiatry now, due to my own experiences with stupid pdocs who didn't know their ass from a hole in the ground, and from watching my nine-year-old cousin go in and out of mental hospitals last year, to only end up with about a billion different diagnoses from a billion different pdocs. I know there are good docs out there (Dr. Bob), but I think they are few and far between in the field of psychiatry.
Anyway, I had an exam tonight in one of my prerequisite premed classes. I have a degree in journalism, which was about as rebellious as I ever tried to be (my dad is engineering minded, and my goal was to be as unlike him as possible. So anything math & science related was out for about 6 years). Never really wanted a desk job, but thought I could tolerate it. I can't. I hate it. I want to work with people. I want to help people.
But I'm too damn stupid. STUPID. Yeah, so I made it through college with a lovely liberal arts degree. But I can't handle a math test, can't remember the most basic things. And it should be easy. And I understand the concepts. But can't CAN'T remember the formulas. How the hell do I think I'm ever going to make it to med school?
Guess it doesn't really matter. I truly believe that I'm fighting a losing battle with depression, or bipolar, or whatever the hell I am now. Earlier today I would have told you otherwise. But right now I'm back in the pit of despair and really don't see any way out.
And paged my pdoc tonight to let him know...
Penny
poster:Penny
thread:21081
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020325/msgs/21081.html