Posted by Shar on February 23, 2002, at 0:16:55
In reply to Re: disturbing card, posted by noa on February 16, 2002, at 14:23:04
Sar,
I think Noa's perspective on this is right on. There is no reason to believe they will be any different now than before (even though we may WANT them to be different). IMHO, the question you could be asking yourself is "do I want a close relationship with people who treat me this way?" If the answer is no, it may be easier to find your way out of the tangled web.Shar
> Is it possible that they will never change? Accepting that might be helpful, though very hard. Probably, in their minds they are just being "nice" by sending the card, having no insight whatsoever into their own present and past behavior or into what your experience of life is. Maybe they are not consciously trying to hurt you, they are simply very very clueless. When you were a child, their self-centeredness and clueless ness and inability to see how their actions affected you--that was neglect and abuse and you were unable to leave that situation to get away from that. Now, their cluelessness hurts, but you do have control to live your life away from them, to build your life differently.
>
> The same inability to tune into your feelings that was there your whole childhood. Why would they change now? I wonder if the intensity of the pain you feel opening their card (which does certainly come across as a shallow little gesture) comes in part from the incredible disappointment of knowing they have not changed--still the same shallow gestures alternating with the abuse.
>
> We all have that wish -- that maybe just maybe they will change, and it can be so painful when you get an in-your-face reality check showing that they haven't changed.
>
> YOU are changing and that is what matters.
>
> In the meantime, while it is still so raw and painful, have a friend open it for you, like sid suggested.
>
> Take the $10 and do something ironic with it--something good for you but that your parents would consider frivolous or wouldn't approve of. Or, here's irony for you--donate it to a charity for abused children. That can be your little way of taking back some control.
poster:Shar
thread:18371
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020214/msgs/18726.html