Posted by paula on January 20, 2002, at 13:34:34
In reply to Don't know what to do anymore, posted by Anna Laura on January 19, 2002, at 23:57:20
Hi Anna Laura,
I don't have any insight to offer. I just want to let you know that I'm thinking about you. I think I do know what you mean about missing the "worse" times. Numbness can be just as bad or worse than pain. Thinking of you--p (complimenti on the english, too)
> Hope you're going to understand what i am about to say and get emotionally connected even if my english is poor. English is not my language and i could fail to describe properly my situation: i'm going to try anyway.
> My main problem is anhedonia : i've been depressed for eleven years so far and anhedonia is the only symptom that persisted and got worse throughout all these years.
> I can't give any reasonable explanation why i felt better when i had major depression: i know it might sound quite of odd, but my anhedonia/apathy was far better years ago: i could still enjoy sex, i still felt love, loved myself: my mood was terribly gloomy and my anxiety overwhelming, still i was far more self confident and stronger then i am right now;somehow some areas of my life had been preserved: i enjoyed hanging out with friends, meeting new people, going to fine restaurants, watching movies etc....It's all gone now.
> I don't suffer from major depression anymore, no anxiety but my mood and drive are flattened out. I feel like i'm under some kind of anhestesia: i'm totally numbed. My body perception sucks: i have poor physical sensations, good or bad. Sometimes it happens i got, let's say, a tooth-ache and i end up wondering if it's all in my mind cause physical pain is so faint and dim that is somehow "shading off" in to mental pain.
> No colours, no smells, no sensations whatsoever. I feel so little alertness that sometimes i wonder if i'm really awake or if i'm dreaming. What really drives me insane is not knowing. It's like living blindfolded if you know what i mean.
> Sometimes i wonder why do i keep on living like this. It feels like i were virtually non-existant.
> I think life it's not worth living most of the time.
> Sometimes i regret those past times when i still had feelings, good or bad.
> I even regret when i was anxious and terrified : at least i could feel my body laying on the bed, the comfortable, cozy presence of my mate sleeping next to me and the upcoming dawn flooding my bed-room with bluish colours despite all the pain and the anguish.
> At least i was alive and felt my heart pounding.
> Does anybody feel like i do? Any insights?
poster:paula
thread:16998
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020112/msgs/17013.html