Posted by Anna Laura on January 19, 2002, at 23:57:20
Hope you're going to understand what i am about to say and get emotionally connected even if my english is poor. English is not my language and i could fail to describe properly my situation: i'm going to try anyway.
My main problem is anhedonia : i've been depressed for eleven years so far and anhedonia is the only symptom that persisted and got worse throughout all these years.
I can't give any reasonable explanation why i felt better when i had major depression: i know it might sound quite of odd, but my anhedonia/apathy was far better years ago: i could still enjoy sex, i still felt love, loved myself: my mood was terribly gloomy and my anxiety overwhelming, still i was far more self confident and stronger then i am right now;somehow some areas of my life had been preserved: i enjoyed hanging out with friends, meeting new people, going to fine restaurants, watching movies etc....It's all gone now.
I don't suffer from major depression anymore, no anxiety but my mood and drive are flattened out. I feel like i'm under some kind of anhestesia: i'm totally numbed. My body perception sucks: i have poor physical sensations, good or bad. Sometimes it happens i got, let's say, a tooth-ache and i end up wondering if it's all in my mind cause physical pain is so faint and dim that is somehow "shading off" in to mental pain.
No colours, no smells, no sensations whatsoever. I feel so little alertness that sometimes i wonder if i'm really awake or if i'm dreaming. What really drives me insane is not knowing. It's like living blindfolded if you know what i mean.
Sometimes i wonder why do i keep on living like this. It feels like i were virtually non-existant.
I think life it's not worth living most of the time.
Sometimes i regret those past times when i still had feelings, good or bad.
I even regret when i was anxious and terrified : at least i could feel my body laying on the bed, the comfortable, cozy presence of my mate sleeping next to me and the upcoming dawn flooding my bed-room with bluish colours despite all the pain and the anguish.
At least i was alive and felt my heart pounding.
Does anybody feel like i do? Any insights?