Posted by jay on November 4, 2001, at 5:24:18
In reply to no trust, boredom, posted by sar on November 3, 2001, at 15:50:54
I don't really drink much....and my self-esteem is often too low to even go out. I usually turn up some REALLY LOUD, AGGRESSIVE ROCK music, like new bands like Staind or Linkin Park. I will often plug in my electric guitar with the volume up to 16 (:-) and just bash and crank out all the blood, pain, tears, hurt. Loud crunching guitar sound piercing deep into my soul.....f*&^ing rot...(Gee...I am a happy camper..:-)Here are a few lyrics..read them...you should be able to relate:
CRAWLING: (By Linkin Park)
Crawling in my skin
These wounds / they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is realThere’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming / confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never ending
Controlling / I can’t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
[Without a sense of confidence / I’m convinced
there's just too much pressure to take]
I’ve felt this way before
So insecureDiscomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting / reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It’s haunting how I can’t seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
[Without a sense of confidence / I’m convinced
there's just too much pressure to take]
I’ve felt this way before
So insecure...Fade (By Staind)
I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to conceiveI only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
that my life became 'causeI just needed someone to talk to
You were just to busy with yourself
You were never there for me
To express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching
Is the bed that I have madeSo where were you?
When all this I was going through
You never took the time
To ask me just what you could doI only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
that my life became 'causeI just needed someone to talk to
You were just to busy with yourself
You were never there for me
To express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching
Is the bed that I have madeI never meant to fade...
AwayI NEVER MEANT TO FADE
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just to busy with yourself
You were never there for me
To express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching
Is the bed that I have madeI try to breathe...
> what a horrible girlfriend i am. my boy couldn't pick me up this weekend (long distance relationship, and i have no car) (i've been speending weekends at his place) and i didn't really mind at first, i'd rather miss him and have a really incredible next-weekend.
>
> then i started drinking in the late afternoon, drinking and walking same old thing, drinking cheap beer and walking up to the bookstore...too much free time on my hands, and not enough friends to keep me amused. i am unable to sit still, unable to just sit at home and read and work on projects.
>
> well. on the way home my neighbor saw me and gave me a ride home. it is like melrose place over there, or the real world..."this is the story of five hot medical students living under one roof..." all boys BOYZ BOYZ BOYZ, 25 yrs old, what a wonderful age for a man-boy to be...so they feed me some liquor and then where am i? in bed with one of them, i just *had* to go and sleep with one a them cuties...
>
> (dreamer, wish you could have been there... :)
>
> do you ever feel like your life is boring so you should just do stupid impulsive things to keep it interesting? does the thought of your long-distance boyfriend flirting with other girls at parties inspire you to go out and screw someone else? is alcohol the root of all of this evil? is neurontin a sugarpill? can i be the PSB postergirl for SLUTZ?
>
> i think the problem is that i don't have enough regular friends. i have friends who call me up on the phone and that i see every now and again, social with co-workers when i work, but i don't have regular friends that i see everyday. do i want that? i want it when i want it. i like being alone, being left to my own devices, and people often tire me out...
>
> i didn't want to go home. i fell asleep on their couch as we were watching a movie, and Hot Med Student #1 said, why don't you crawl into bed? stood at his door grinning and motioning to the bed. and it's so much better to sleep in a feather bed with feather pillows and nice soft bajillion-thread count sheets with another body rather than alone in your own old bed with cheap sheets and no one there, alone in the dark.
>
> maybe i should get a teddy bear. a mannequin?
>
> and today i feel guilty and a little trashy, not trashy in the sense that i did that but in the sense that i'd never even been to their house before and i just waltzed in there and laid of of 'em--afraid that i look trashy in their eyes, i suppose. i get all lonesome and confused, then i get drunk and don't care.
>
> i wish i could be one of those really quiet chill drunks who knows when to go home.
>
> ugh. i don't expect any responses to this, i just needed to write it down.
poster:jay
thread:13403
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011025/msgs/13443.html