Posted by tina on October 8, 2001, at 21:00:14
In reply to Re: Bipolar Disorder without Mania » tina, posted by Wendy B. on October 7, 2001, at 12:27:48
Hi Wendy
I didn't mean to scare you. I am not serious about cutting out the ticks. I just get so frustrated that it seems like the only option sometimes. I have the "setting fire to the dog's toy" episodes alot though. Yesterday I was washing dishes and I dropped a plate and slopped water over the counter onto the floor and got so pissed at myself that I threw the plate against a wall and shattered it. To me these are small things. However, it scares the shit out of the dog. She is so afraid of me. I'm glad I don't have kids. I wouldn't want to put them through my temper outbursts. Funny, I never ever take my anger out on others. Only on myself. Even if the fault isn't mine, I find some way to make it mine and then punish myself. I've been a cutter for more than a decade. I used to break BIC pens apart in class and scratch my arms and hands underneath my desk. I never thought anything of it until I "read" that it wasn't normal. I have always enjoyed, yes i said enjoyed, hitting walls and punching hard surfaces until my hands bleed. I feel very 'satisfied" when I can see the blood running down my hands. I like it. I know it's got to be some kind of 'disorder' but none of my past therapists have ever seemed concerned by this behavior so I don't get concerned either. My husband doesn't like it much that's for sure but there isn't anything he can do about it. Until I find something else that gives me that same sense of satisfaction, i probably won't stop. It's only ever hands and arms. Never the jugular or anything like that. I just like the pain. About ten years ago, my husband and I got into a car accident, not serious, but my knee hurt for some reason. When I got out of the car and felt the pain in my knee, I thought "why does my knee hurt? This was a fender bender, no biggie you whimp, so why does my knee hurt?" Well, I was so angry, that I walked over to the half wall that ran down the side of the road and bashed my knee against it hard so that I had a "real" reason for my knee to hurt. I can remember telling myself "there you go, NOW you have a reason to be whimpy" this kink of thing happens all the time. I burn my hand on the stove, I get angry and run it under HOT water instead of cold. I stub my toe, I get angry and kick the wall until my foot really hurts. I get total satisfaction from it. But, therapists never say anything about it. I guess if I am not slashing my wrists or being hospitalized for my injuries, it's not seen as a problem. So, it continues.I also had sort of an epiphany yesterday while walking my dog. I don't know why I'm telling you this.....anyway, I was running down the symptoms of bipolar disorder's manic state in my head while walking. I guess I was "ruminating"
So, I thought of the "spend money irresponsibly" one and thought, No, I don't do that. Then I rethought that. Well, yes I do. I may not spend money I don't have, but I do spend money on things that are stupid, trivial, or just completely useless. this is a total waste of money. I also have periods where I spend constantly, everyday, on people I know. Like, I'll buy a coffee for the pet store lady. I'll buy an expensive present for the friend I never see. Weeks of this behavior. I always think i'm just in a "being nice" phase but it's ridiculous spending. Not beyond my budget, but stupid nonetheless. Plus, the sexual promiscuity symptom. I don't sleep around, period. Never have so I never thought this one applied to me either BUT, I do have months where I am extremely flirtatious to the point of causing problems in my marriage. I will even go out on dates with other guys thinking I'm just being friendly and having fun. I'm married, happily and I always wondered why I behaved this way. I never thought it was wrong. I never recognised it as a problem and instead wondered why my husband didn't want me to have any friends. Why he couldn't understand that I just wanted to have fun and make friends. I'm not extreme. Like, I don't go from being a prude to being a slut and I don't go from being a tight-wad to buying a new car on a whim. It's more subtle like I don't even know it's happening.
I;m calling a shrink this week. I'm trying to keep all this straight in my head so I can tell the doc when I get one. If I am bipolar, I'LL tell the doc and then they can prove me wrong instead of me waiting to see if the doc wants to label me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to "check" on me Wendy. Even though I have a great husband, I DO feel very much alone sometimes.
I'll keep you up to date. Don't worry, I promise not to actually use the scissors on myself. :)
take care Wendy
Hugs
Tina> hi tina,
>
> wow. your post knocked me out. i'm not sorry i asked at all. i really feel for your situation. the only thing i'm sorry about is that you feel so badly. it's obvious that it's unhealthy for you to be going through times like these, you're in a serious phase of hypomania... impulse control is gone. at some point, those scissors are going to go through flesh, and you're going to regret it, and maybe you would have been able to avoid it. please please don't ignore this, or think there's no point in trying *again* to get help. there is a point: it's your life we're talking about, and it's worth it, worth it to me, worth it to others here on PSB, worth it to those who love you.
>
> who is with you? husband, boyfriend, children? is there anyone you can talk to at home? a close friend or relative? you need someone you can trust, who'll help you wade through the morass of symptoms, and who'll be your advocate. if there's no one, call a local hotline.
>
> it's TERRIBLE that 5 different therapeutic situations have failed you. obviously, it's going to take a special person or clinic to help you. i'd say your best bet *right now* would be to call the last one you saw, the psychiatrist, and just tell her things have gotten worse.
>
> i don't see depakote, neurontin, lamictal, topamax, etc. on your drug list. there are many many drugs for you to try. they need to be tried in such as way as there are as few in your system at one time as possible. it's hard to tell what's doing what if you're on too many (although i understand people's needs for 'cocktails.') right now, you probably need at least a mood stabilizer, even something as easy to take (few side-effects) as neurontin, 600 mg x 4 per day. i'm sure you'd feel much more able to cope. or else depakote. you've got to get smoothed out, cuz i'm afraid you're going to hurt yourself, from what you're writing. setting fire to the dog's toy because it's tripped you is not behavior that you yourself would call 'normal', as you know, because you say so. cutting your facial skin because the tic won't stop is not normal, and you'll feel worse, i'm sure, if you wind up doing it...
>
> please be careful, and write back. i'm going to keep up with you, and check in on you, but you have to do something, too. and i know it's hard right now, but things will improve, i am absolutely sure.
>
> BIG hug,
>
> wendy
poster:tina
thread:11562
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011006/msgs/12265.html