Posted by Greg A. on September 25, 2001, at 17:16:34
In reply to Greg, posted by Marie1 on September 24, 2001, at 20:30:38
>You know, you sound as though you actually have some insight into your marriage and patterns of behavior.I’m not sure I have what you could call insight. I have hindsight. I have nearsight. I think I perhaps have outsight – where you view a situation you are involved in almost in the third person.
>I'm very reticent about trying therapy, afraid of finding out we can't make this work, afraid of the unknown, afraid of what will come out. I don't think my husband really knows how I feel. I've never told him because I don't want to hurt him. I think I'm also afraid he feels the same way, and if I knew that, I'd be devastated. All hope gone.
I’m curious about why you would worry so much that your husband feels like you think you do. If you didn’t care for him, what he felt would not matter much. Is it just a fear of being alone? I know you’ve said before that you are reluctant to give up because of the good things that happened in the past. It’s tough to use that to carry you through the present though.
My experience with therapists is that if the couple is not at each other’s throats, are still living together, and willing to talk, then there is hope and they ‘qualify’ for therapy. You have to find someone your husband can relate to. If he feels that he is with *your* therapist and is the outsider, he will be very defensive. One sure way to make him feel at home is to have the therapist take his side in some issue. My doc did that with me when my wife first went to a session. I think she expected something like ‘so you’re the big cause of this poor man’s suffering.’ What she got was ‘GOD! It must be horrible to live with him! Don’t you find yourself getting depressed having to carry such a load?’ That was exactly what she first wanted to talk about. How much of a strain it was trying to stay level to keep things going and to try to help me at the same time. She got to vent but with another person prompting with the right questions, rather than it appearing to be some outburst on her part.>I just erased a whole paragraph relating to sex. Partly because I feel intrusive asking you personal questions, but also I realized I can't broadcast details of my sex life over the internet. Discretion is the better part of...whatever.
I don’t think the details of your sex life should be posted on the PB Board . . . unless it’s really, really interesting . . .
You can certainly ask personal questions. I won’t be offended. I just might not answer.>So are people commenting on the new improved you yet? I wonder if appealing to vanity is an AA technique? If not, it should be.
Not so far – I guess I am not improved sufficiently yet. I’ll keep my fingers crossed and the wine bottle corked.
Greg
poster:Greg A.
thread:11546
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11761.html