Posted by Simcha on September 17, 2001, at 10:02:06
In reply to Re: Depression/Addiction and Relationships :-( » Simcha, posted by sar on September 17, 2001, at 9:39:15
Sar,
Yes, on a certain level we have. He is working with a hypnotherapist and he believes that he has dealt with his co-dependency.
I have about 6 years in Al-Anon myself. I have definitely dealt with much of my co-dependency issues. I know exacltly where he is coming from. I also know that as I confront him about it I am not going to receive a "thank you" for it. When I was in the midst of active co-dependency I did not like it when someone burst my bubble of denial. (Usually I struck back.)
Also, he is a recovering alcoholic who does not attend AA. He relies on hypnotherapy to keep him sober. Being an old hand at 12-step work I can see some truths about our philosophy. My boyfriend may not be drinking but he is not exactly sober. I experience him as a "dry drunk."
Dry drunk is someone who has stopped drinking but who has not dealt with any of the issues around what made them drink. True 12-step sobriety acknowledges that one has to stop using. Ceasing to use is not the end. One must deal with the underlying issues of the disease of addiction in order to be truly sober and have it last.
I am going through this process continually. I am far from perfect at this. When I tell him about my experiences as a recovering addict/codependant he is less than impressed. In fact he gets hostile even though I do not tell him what he needs to do to recover. (That would be a codependant slip for me. I can't afford to go there.)
So I'm not sure what is going to happen today with our relationship. I can tell you this. As a recovering addict and codependant I have learned that my first priority is to take care of myself. I will not accept any of the shame or anger that he wishes to use as attacks against me. At the same time I will allow him to have his feelings and validate them. This is a tough line to walk. I'm not sure that he has the kind of emotional maturity to handle this. I may lose him. Even if I do I know I'll be OK.
Thanks.
poster:Simcha
thread:11468
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11476.html