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Re: Re-uniting » M Sanders

Posted by Wendy B. on August 11, 2001, at 8:29:05

In reply to Re: Re-uniting with birth parent, posted by M Sanders on August 10, 2001, at 19:31:55

> Wendy,
>
> If you care for some first hand insight, I can share from my experience, but I don't care to write here about what my experience has been. Can I just say been there done than and let's not worry about the details?
>
> I can't make any assumptions about what your father might want or be open to in this matter. I can urge you to let go of whatever presumptions you might harbor about what a father should be. Those are probably just your presumptions - not the master rules of human life.
>
> I don't know him, and apparently you don't either. It seems you have learned something about him that you beleive to be true - that he was a drunk, that the break-up was his choice and that he left for a situation that did not require his time, money or love.
>
> If you were my daughter, and I had to overcome those assumptions about me and my past in the process of getting to know you, it might not be an easy thing. On the other hand, maybe I would allow you an opportunity to learn that those assumptions were wrong. It could be that you're primary source of information about your father was your mother, who might have had a vested interest in shaping your perceptions. You might have grown up with complete trust in her, and respect for her as a person, but you are also probably a product of her influence. If you are not ready to let go of impressions of your father based on your mother's account, I would not advise you to not expect or demand much of your father. From that approach, you *could* be asking of him nothing more than that he validate something about your mother that in the depths of your mind you recognize as a faulty perception. It *could* be that in approaching him, you are wrestling with uncertainty over the family history your mother provided, and over the validity of values your mother taught you.
>
> Another scenario could be that he was an alcoholic. If that is the case, and if you grew up in a loving home where you were reasonably well treated, his absence might have been a gift to you. He might have allowed your mother the space to raise you without his interference and without forcing you to choose between her values and his. At least he preserved enough of his life so that you can find out who it was your mother made love with frequently enough to conceive you and your siblings. You might wonder what it was she loved about him, and maybe even want to learn to love that same thing.
>
> If, in another potential scenario, you resent the situation in which you were raised, you might wonder why he did not rescue you, or why he allowed this to occur. If you resent him for letting a person like your mom conceive a child, it is a tragedy that happened to both of you. If that were the case, though it does not seem to be from the tone of your post, you might need to realize that people are born into all sorts of unfortunate circumstances, and even the most fortunate people in this world still sometimes encounter unexpected and unescapable suffering.
>
> Yet another scenario could be that your mother is just as culpable in the separation between you and your father as he is, or possibly more so. Maybe she married a man who seemed to be what her father never was to her, then tried to turn him into what her father was. This seems to happen frequently, and is an equal opportunity trap that effects both men and women in their choice of a lover. If that is the case, and if you are not sufficiently independant of your mother's drives and wants, you might find yourself repeating a relationship that tore apart their marriage fourty years ago. The only way to approach a situation like this, IMO, is if you are mature enough to accept him, whoever he is and was, to learn what you can from knowing him, to give to him what love you can, and to not use the occasion to penalize him for whatever you might think you have lost or missed in life.
>
> In all fairness to him, posting your assumptions about somebody you don't know on the web might not be the best approach. If I were him, and you wanted to know me, I would hope that you were prepared to meet me with a neutral mind, and to accept whatever might have become of my life. Trying to change him, or resenting him for who he is would not change the world full of people very much like him. There are people like that in the world, whoever he is, and one of them happens to be your father. Whoveer he is, no matter how distant you have been, you likely share some of the genetic traits that shaped your approach to life. There might be something you can to learn about those traits by knowing him.
>
> The question of prioritizing needs is not so simple. It is not a matter of his needs or yours. Your needs have to do with something inside of you, with which you apparently are hoping to find his help. But ultimately, the need, if it is a real need, has nothing to do with him. It is your need to feel something, not a need to have him make you feel a certain way. He might have a similar need, and maybe has far less hope of having his need met. Your's might be a want rather than a need. What we really need is very simple, and we often exagerate our needs far beyond their real proportion.
>
> I hope this is of some help to you. If not, I hope you don't resent me answering your querry.
>
> MS

Dear M,
I'm going out of town for a few days, and can't write enough of a reply right now, but your experience and advice are indeed very helpful. I wish instead of, been there, done that, I could know a little more about your particular scenario, but maybe you will share more, maybe we can privately e-mail or something...

OF COURSE I have pre-conceived notions of my father, the only story I ever got was my mother's... The reason to do this is to sort out the narrative she has provided me with, and to know the perhaps mundane person he is now. He's had brain surgery for an aneurism, too, so I don't want him to die before I have a chance to meet him. I say mundane because his brother told me he is caretaking an old woman with alzheimer's as a job, lives in a trailer, doesn't get out much, etc. I have no intention of going in there and playing the blame game... I'd rather sit at the table with him and play cards and get to know him...

More later, and thank you for your long and concerned post,

Wendy


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