Posted by Glenn Fagelson on August 9, 2001, at 22:13:03
In reply to Re: What would you do? Help me. Gracie, posted by AMenz on August 9, 2001, at 0:03:22
> My theory for what it's worth. I think many times we marry our father. We pick a guy whose emotional make up is similar to one's Dad, eg. withdrawn, happy go lucky, whatever the traits may be that give us the most difficulty.
>
> Then we try to resolve this problem with the spouse. If he's withdrawn we want to make him communicative, if he is flighty we want to make him steady. Get my meaning.
>
> One of two things is going on: either we have become trained by our parent to relate to people who are the same way and these people sort of click with us-- or we are trying to refight and resolve a battle lost in childhood.
>
> You are probably going to have to accept your husband the way he is. Or if now as an adult you find him intolerable move on. However, I would not make any decisions that are earth shaking while you are depressed. Getting away for a while, visit relative or whatever, may not be a bad idea.
>
> Remember also that depression is difficult on the spouse, specially one who has difficulty with emotions. It might feel threatening to those "Martian" guys when Venusian girls express a lot of emotions
>
> Hope this helps. I do run on.
>
>
> > Dear Gracie,
> >
> > I would probably have done the same thing.
> >
> > You don't describe what happened after he started crying. Did you touch him? Will you contact him to let him now know how you feel?
> >
> > Like Greg, I too dont understand your spouse's reaction, except that I too have had mine intercede when I am about to do something that 'will make things worse' and later, begrudgingly, I have appreciated his help.
> >
> > Has he cried about the loss of your brother?
> >
> > When you were describing the scene with your dad, I imagined my dad across the table from me.
> >
> > You see, my dad died of cancer three months before my brother suicided. So, I haven't heard a word from my dad about my brother's death. True, it is different situation, but I would like to think that we would have cried together, held hands and grieved the loss of a great guy whom we loved.
> >
> > From a keyboard wet with tears, hugs
> > -S
> >
> >
> > > I see my Dad only once or twice a year because he lives in some exotic place being an architectural engineer. When we do meet, there are kisses on the cheek, how's the weather, very polite, let's-do-lunch-again-sometime. It's very shallow and impersonal and makes me sad.
> > > This year I decided that things would be different, that I would force him into more personal conversation. The thing that has always bothered me most about my Dad is that he's never said a single word to me about the death of my brother. Not one
> > > word. My brother died in a military aircrash and there is a memorial at Fort Campbell for the soldiers who died on the plane. I took out the pictures and placed them on the table in front of my Dad:
> > >
> > > Dedicated to the memory of the 248 soldiers of Task Force 3-502, multinational force and observers, 101st
> > > Airborne Division (Air Assault)who perished at Gander, Newfoundland while returning home from peacekeeping duty in the Sinai Peninsula.
> > > "Our courageous peacekeepers
> > > have departed our midst suddenly.
> > > And they have ascended to heights
> > > Where even Screaming Eagles can't fly."
> > >
> > > My dad took off his glasses, and he began to weep. I was shocked beyond belief. Dad doesn't show his feelings; I thought prehaps we could discuss MINE, because I'm still having a terrible time handling Shayne's death. I never meant to hurt him. I've never seen my father cry.
> > > When I got home, my husband was disgusted with me. He said, "You wanted to get a reaction out of him, and you did. What's the problem?" I couldn't believe he said that to me. I took a beer out of the refrigerator and he said, "Oh no." He snatched it away from me. "That always just makes you worse." He sounded repulsed.
> > >
> > > I don't know what to do now. I feel like shoving everything I can fit into my hatchback and moving down to the Louisiana swamps, where nobody will ever find me. I don't know what to do.
> > > -GracieDearAMenz,
That is excellent feedback for Gracie!
I couldn't have said it any better.
Glenn
poster:Glenn Fagelson
thread:8982
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010807/msgs/9106.html