Posted by NikkiT2 on July 22, 2001, at 10:34:12
In reply to Re: ditto ditto ditto an infinitum....etc...., posted by Anna Laura on July 22, 2001, at 7:57:59
I could have almost written some of that post...
I ahve spent so so so long trying to "hide" my illness form others... I have hidden it so well, the poeple I have chosen to open up to are shocked, and at first think they thought I was just "a bit down", but a few I ahve really told how awful it is, and how deep it goes, and really epxclained to them, and they are now the most supportive people you can find.
But still my husband resists, and thinks I can pop out of this if I wanted, he can't udnerstand how it affects my whole life, and how i can't cope with daily life - Your way of saying it wqas like being on LSD is true... the paranoia that everyone can see it in your face and that they're all looking at you becaus eof it... My anti psychotics are really helping though...
nikki xx
> > Props to the other posters, they're right-on.
> >
> > I can't imagine how cancer feels or how AIDS feels, but depression can feel like--dying.
> >
> > I don't even know if undepressesed people deserve to be shown informative, scientific/psychological info on depression. As a whole, they seem to just Not Get It. Eat potatoes instead of prozac, get married, paint, do some yoga, look at the bright side of things!
> >
> > depression is one of those confusing confounding controversial illnesses. i think of it like this: a reasonably happy healthy person doesn't know what major depression feels like, and I equivocate (is that a word?) to me (suburban white girl) not knowng how it would have felt to be a slave in the south 150 yrs ago. I can only vaguely imagine, and it exists in my mind as some sort of story, and to think that people really experieced the whole of their lives that way--well, it can be too much to swallow without feeling absolutely blastedly terrible.
> >
> > Unfortunately, depression is still highly stigmatized...I recently made the decision to never discuss it in dpeth with my friends...to some of my closer firends I say that I've got "some sort of mood disorder" but the masses--well, lots of them are depressed themselves and Know, and if they don't well fuck 'em.
> >
> > Is depression private for a reason? perhaps. i know nothing. i just know the differnece in people's understanding of it--and you'll see it in their eyes without having to explain.
> >
> > wishing you well,
> > sar
>
> Hi Sar
>
> I definetely subscribe every single line of your post.
> I saw my mother yesterday (second time in seven years). I felt terrible, i felt that there was a fire burning inside my head, didn't know where to turn, i had to swallow an antipsychotic just to look normal (trying to quit meds i suspect they're making my depression worse, still it's like jumping down from a ship in a middle of a storm).
> My mother asked me how i felt (i guess she realized i wasn't o.k.) i told her that i felt sick because i had my period. Couldn't eat, swallowing food was such a pain!
> My mother's fianceé realized i was forcing myself to eat; he asked me why ;"don't you like the food i prepared for you?" he said.
> "Sorry, i feel noxious" i answered.
> After eleven years of depression i realized i can't talk about it. I'm sick and tired of hearing words like "React!" or "Do something!"
> they make me feel as i was retarded.
> That's why i have to conceal my secret monster, depression. Another reason is that i'm afraid my family would put me in some kind of asylum.
> Yesterday i hardly made it trough the day: i felt like i did LSD; i could hardly understand what was going on, what people were saying, etc...
> In the worst moments i hid myself in the bathroom. That's the only think i can do: i just can't get any support. My fianceé wouldn't understand either. He was like" I know you don't feel so bad, you think you feel bad, you're just scared and fear makes you think you feel terrible wheares you'd only be a little sick.
> Fear is capable of making things look bigger then they're normally".
> When i told him i lost my ideals and i lost myself, the person i used to be, he would say things like: "it's just an impression, it's not real"
> "How can you tell this? You're not inside my head" i told him.
> "I can tell that because i can feel you"
> "I don't feel anything whatsoever instead and you're in denial because you don't want to face the truth".
> "You're not so sick" he would add.
> Then i would end the discussion saying :"o.k. you're right, would you leave me alone now ?".
>
> That's it folks. I think you are the only ones who can understand what i'm going through.
poster:NikkiT2
thread:7717
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010717/msgs/7750.html