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Re: ditto ditto ditto an infinitum....etc....

Posted by Anna Laura on July 23, 2001, at 6:23:41

In reply to Re: ditto ditto ditto an infinitum....etc.... » Anna Laura, posted by Wendy B. on July 23, 2001, at 2:14:19

> > Hi Sar
> >
> > I definetely subscribe every single line of your post.
> > I saw my mother yesterday (second time in seven years). I felt terrible, i felt that there was a fire burning inside my head, didn't know where to turn, i had to swallow an antipsychotic just to look normal (trying to quit meds i suspect they're making my depression worse, still it's like jumping down from a ship in a middle of a storm).
> > My mother asked me how i felt (i guess she realized i wasn't o.k.) i told her that i felt sick because i had my period. Couldn't eat, swallowing food was such a pain!
> > My mother's fianceé realized i was forcing myself to eat; he asked me why ;"don't you like the food i prepared for you?" he said.
> > "Sorry, i feel noxious" i answered.
> > After eleven years of depression i realized i can't talk about it. I'm sick and tired of hearing words like "React!" or "Do something!"
> > they make me feel as i was retarded.
> > That's why i have to conceal my secret monster, depression. Another reason is that i'm afraid my family would put me in some kind of asylum.
> > Yesterday i hardly made it trough the day: i felt like i did LSD; i could hardly understand what was going on, what people were saying, etc...
> > In the worst moments i hid myself in the bathroom. That's the only think i can do: i just can't get any support. My fianceé wouldn't understand either. He was like" I know you don't feel so bad, you think you feel bad, you're just scared and fear makes you think you feel terrible wheares you'd only be a little sick.
> > Fear is capable of making things look bigger then they're normally".
> > When i told him i lost my ideals and i lost myself, the person i used to be, he would say things like: "it's just an impression, it's not real"
> > "How can you tell this? You're not inside my head" i told him.
> > "I can tell that because i can feel you"
> > "I don't feel anything whatsoever instead and you're in denial because you don't want to face the truth".
> > "You're not so sick" he would add.
> > Then i would end the discussion saying :"o.k. you're right, would you leave me alone now ?".
> >
> > That's it folks. I think you are the only ones who can understand what i'm going through.
>
>
> Hi Anna Laura,
> I'm sorry about your awful visit with your mother... It's so painful to realize, for the millionth time, that your mother will never be able to give you what you want. I mean, even though we intellectually know this, it still pains us - eternally, it seems.
> I'm currently trying to examine why my father left me and my other 3 siblings when we were young, I was an infant, and never knew him.... he was a drunk, and has since lived all over, marrying several times, having more children, and then leaving them, too. It's killing me, making me be unable to choose the right man for a partner again and again, and I'm in my 40s. I've committed myself to trying to find out where my father lives, and face him in person, eventually... Then I also wonder what it will accomplish, but my therapist thinks it would be worth it. It's been sooooo hard, and I have been tearful for >months< over it. Why now? why me?
> To make me laugh, a friend said, why don't you start your own web site where people try to find the fathers who abandoned them? He says, you can call it: "find-the-bastard-who-ruined-your-life dot com." Or other similar variations, using all sorts of bad language which I won't print right now (unless asked to!)
> Also wondered why you are stopping your medications? You may have mentioned it in a post that I didn't happen to read, sorry. I think right now is precisely when you do need them. (Just my opinion...)
>
> All the very best, as usual, bella,
>
> Wendy

Ciao Wendy,

You asked why i wanted to stop my med... The problem is that i started to feel sick again last week while i was on them so I thought i was taking the wrong combo. (i took benzos and antypsichotics years ago and they both made my depression worse).
So i suspected that this med cocktail triggered my depression instead of soothing it, being benzos and antypsichotics depressors of the nervous system after all.
That's why i wanted to quit them, but i didn't make it 'cause i felt too sick.
I'm going to see a new pdoc tomorrow and i'll ask him if i can switch to effexor....
That's it. Hope it's going to get better.

Ti faccio tanti auguri,
Blessings

Anna Laura


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