Posted by AKC on July 15, 2001, at 16:27:02
I continue to do well. In fact, from an understanding point, I have had one of the most productive weeks ever, demonstrated to some extent by my many posts on this page. I would like to share a little more of my personal insights, if you would not mind.
I think I pointed out in a earlier post on this concept of taking blame for what happened as a child. As I have discussed this with a close friend, I have decided that there are three basic roles a child might play -- taking blame for what happens around them as a child, trying to fix what happens around them as a child, or just not fitting in at all as a child. I am in that last category.
The more I thought about this, I came to realize that there was a specific point, I think I was 12, when I realized I was completely in control (I thought) of my life. I stole some money from my sister. My sister discovered it and went to my mother. My mother confronted me - of course, I denied it. My dad was out of town - my mom did nothing more until he returned. He confronted me, I continued to deny it. He yelled, threatened me with my life, etc., etc. Finally, I admitted it. I got one of the worse beatings I ever received - not for stealing, but for lying.
Now from that I took a life long lesson - I was stupid - I got caught - who else in the house would have stole the money (my brothers no longer lived there). And from that point on, any time I got "caught," I was to blame - even when it was really not my fault. For instance, with my depression and anxiety. Or my weight gain, or any of the many struggles I have had. I have been on this quest for absolute perfection - and I think I can trace it back to that moment. This truly has been an ahah moment for me. I'll see what my therapist thinks tomorrow.
For of course, I want to figure out why I can't get it right, right now. Why is it so hard to eat properly and not too much? I know all the "rules" for eating - you know that stuff about eating your fruits and vegetables and not too many fatty things. And getting enough exercise and plenty of sleep and drinking enough water and not too much caffeine (my elixer of life is Diet Dr. Pepper!). And not watching too much tv. And following my budget and calling my mother and saying my pleases and thank yous. And it goes on and on and on. I still have these rigid rules I want to live by. How do I work to those things that can make my life better (just from a health perspective - take the excessive weight - I am about 100 pounds overweight) and not be living under a life that must be perfect?
So while I am having an ahah moment, I still have a long way to go.
Thanks for letting me share.
Your resident hounddog.
poster:AKC
thread:7470
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010706/msgs/7470.html