Posted by Adam on July 3, 2001, at 20:45:14
In reply to Re: Why should i go on? THANKS EVERYBODY, posted by annalaura on July 3, 2001, at 12:38:30
Anna,
I haven't been in your shoes. I've had some pretty bad things happen to me, but I would not insult you with an attempt at empathy for the injustices and misfortunes you have had to endure. It isn't fair, and it isn't right, and there's no use sugarcoating the issue.
This is not some kind of sob-story competition, or an attempt at victim cred. I guess I'll relate some things about my life to make what I wish to say understandable. My mother died when I was almost eight. My father used to smack me around quite a bit. I was the subject of near-constant abuse from many of my peers, and this made me feel lonely, and afraid, and sometimes quite hateful.
I did really hate life sometimes. I experienced both physical and mental pain that made living difficult to endure. I got to the point that I put myself in the hospital, I believe after a bad experience with a particular drug combination, so that I would not actually kill myself. I had, just prior to that, made a pretty sincere attempt, and was saved, I think, more by reflexes and pure fear than anything.
I gave up the mask, at that point. It was not my habit to act out in rage, but when I had a chance to be by myself with someone in the hospital, I wept my heart out until I was gasping for air. I bent over double and sobbed so hard I thought my ribs would split. At that point I asked, I think I begged for someone to please help me. Not like I had in any meeting with a therapist or any friend or relative. I was with a stranger, bent over, my arms wrapped around my head, gasping through gritted teeth something like "oh Jesus fucking Christ please God fucking help me" or thereabouts. I'm not even a Christian.
I think I just had to let myself fall to pieces and lie there in a wrecked heap, and then I just let some people take care of me. I gave up, period, the end. Fortunately, I did it where I couldn't do any harm to myself. For me, at least, absolute rock bottom.
This is not to say I got all better afterwards. I think I just had to get myself into a place where I could have the luxury of a complete breakdown without many of the associated risks. There was, after that point, nowhere to go but up.
Maybe you haven't hit rock bottom yet. I don't know. It never ceases to amaze me how, as bad as we can feel, there may well be room below to fall. We have an astonishing capacity for pain.
There may come a day, or another day, and when it does, I think you will know. Your heart will tell you: It's really over this time. Don't dismiss that feeling, just set it aside. Get yourself to a hospital, calmly fill out their surreal and irritating paperwork, and when you are in that little room with someone, and you know you are safe, and they are safe, let yourself go. And then let them put you back together, if they can. It may take a long time.
I don't think you want to feel the way you do. I think you want something better for yourself, even if you have stopped believing you can have it. I think, at some level, everyone does, and that's why they are able to hold on. I don't think you believe what you are going through is right. You want what ought to be coming to you, a better life, and a little joy. Don't forget it.
> > So in your shoes, but yet at this moment, I am at a different place in the journey. Just days ago I said to my therapist and my doctor that I could not keep going on, that I no longer had the energy. That the strength it took to put on that mask at work each day was too much. And the lack of friends. Those who said they understood, when confronted face on with my illness stood in judgment. Reading your post - I feel it deep inside.
> >
> > I only respond in the hope that I can pass on a sliver of hope. Whatever miracle there is I am having a handful of good days - I am delighted of course - is it the meds, a product of the weather, my work in therapy, some alignment of the stars, a god I don't believe in finally giving me a god damn break? I don't know. I desparately need it to last. And I wish I could share it - especially with you - because I feel what you wrote so deeply.
> >
> > I do hope you continue to go on - to hang on - I didn't see this coming - maybe it is there for you also. I know you deserve it.
>
>
> Thank you AKC, thank you everybody.
> After reading Kazoo post i was considering to leave the board. But then i read all of yours reply and made up my mind.
>
> Thanks again
>
> Anna Laura
poster:Adam
thread:7004
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010628/msgs/7044.html