Posted by Adam on April 8, 2001, at 13:05:38
In reply to ADAM, WOW, I will strongly consider that!, posted by Dubya on April 7, 2001, at 21:50:03
Well, it's not as easy a balance, I think, as one might first think. I myself was pretty horribly bullied as a child, for one reason, mainly: I was an easy target. I pretty much loathed myself, and it didn't even occur to me most of the time that when I was picked on I ought to feel offended. I just felt unhappy. I recoiled and just hoped to be ignored and left alone. Which, of course, led to times of almost unbearable lonliness.
I got older, and for whatever reason, got tired of it. I just couldn't stand being a loser any more. So I focused on school, got involved in a sport I was good at, begged my parents for some nice clothes, etc. Did all the stuff you needed to do to be popular. And, lo and behold, after I started convincing people I could actually do something more than skulk in a corner, they started to like me. I found out, much to my amazement, that some cute girls thought I was interesting. Cinderella story, right?
Except that, when I felt my "power" increasing, some of the other misfits who were the only people who had low enough self-esteem to not be bothered by my company, these perfectly good people who were my only real friends, were so quickly tossed aside I think they didn't even realize it had happened until I began showing them the same cruelty we had suffered together. I am deeply ashamed of this behavior, but to an extent I realize where it comes from, and I immediately recognized the point the author of the SciAm article was trying to make. It IS very possible to have both high self-esteem and compassion. But distorted self-esteem, coupled with an unhealthy lack of empathy, leads to bullying. It feels good to hurt people, sometimes. It's an awful thing to say, but I think this is a very basic human quality that we must grow out of (or are fortunate enough not to be plagued with) before we can have normal and healthy relationships.
So, when someone bullies you, you might ask yourself, what kind of issues must THIS guy be having if he gets off on making other people feel awful? What the heck is HIS problem, if he somehow thinks this is fun or appropriate?
Imagine how you would feel if you watched a boy torture and kill a frog. Think of a child amusing himself by inflicting suffering and death on another creature. Some little boys do this. Why? My guess is because they can, and because they don't know any better yet. If you feel a bit sick in your stomach thinking about it, count your lucky stars and be very happy that you are a mensch, a compassionate, redeemable human being. Imagine a person, and adult, who might think this image was intriguing, even amusing. Someone who wouldn't recoil. Consider that the person who bullies you the worst might be such an individual. I think this puts things in an amazing perspective. You might find yourself still afraid of this person, still inclined to avoid this person (which is understandable), but for different reasons. You might consider that the reason they repel you is not so much that they reenforce your own negative self-image, but because they are exemplary of some of humanity's most undesirable qualities. You might even feel a little sorry for them. Not because of some sour-grapes, "I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I", platitudinous, and ultimately empty pop-psyche coping mechanism. Rather, because you see that person for what they are, a flawed human being.
> For me, it is not the question of whether or not bullies exist, it is to figure out how to take control of myself and not bully others around while feeling 'adequate'.
poster:Adam
thread:5366
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010404/msgs/5564.html