Posted by Greg A. on March 15, 2001, at 13:13:26
In reply to karenR - still well and breathing?, posted by Greg A. on March 13, 2001, at 10:17:46
Don’t get too hung up on the details. Accept that the process you have begun will make you a better and most importantly, a happier person. I agree with Todd one hundred percent. The more layers you go through, the more likely you are to understand yourself; like yourself; and ultimately, be at peace with who you are.
I am a people pleaser as well, to a degree. I don’t like arguments either involving me, or between others. I try to make peace. There’s a lot of anger built up in me as a result and a loss of an intrinsic sense of who I am. The trick is to be able to express the anger in an acceptable way. If it builds, over years, it will spill out in some way – maybe physical ailments, or perhaps as anxiety. . . Discovering who I am is nothing magical. It means being happy with me – shortcomings and all. I can not be all things. I cannot excel at everything. If I am happy only when other people recognize me for my efforts, I will be unhappy a great deal of the time and I will continually look to others as my source of happiness. I have no control over what others think or do. I have to like ‘me’ to be happy.
Your questions – and there are quite a number – suggest to me that you are looking for the magic bullet – the cure. What you are going through is a process which takes time. It also involves many different phases and experiences. Some are pleasant and many are not. But they pass. They all do. I can accept, now, a day of anxiety. I don’t search too hard for the cause because tomorrow it will be gone. I lower my goals for that day. I avoid anxiety producing situations. I ‘go for it’ when the time is right.
Go for the increased dose of Remeron. I think a therapeutic dose for depression is 30mgs and as I said I am taking 60. The meds will not cause you irreversible damage or induce conditions on their own -– at least in my opinion. As I said – the quality of my life is better now than ten years ago. I am sad that I can’t feel ‘normal’ all the time, but encouraged that I have taken some control by acknowledging the problem and trying various methods to treat it. Keep an open mind. Look for help wherever and whenever you can. It turns up in the most unlikely places. I can put up with some numbness. I can put up with some anxious days. I can’t put up with the idea that it is too painful to live another day.