Posted by Todd on February 28, 2001, at 1:59:01
In reply to Re: NO Part of Me Doesn't Want to Get Well, posted by shar on February 28, 2001, at 0:36:08
Hi, Shar. I empathize with almost everything you said. I have been diagnosed as bipolar and have lived with it for over 10 years. My depressions have never been life-threatening in the sense that I never seriously considered suicide. A few fleeting moments when I considered it an option, maybe, but the thought of it freaked me out so much that I would quickly push it out of my head. Most of my life has been dysthymic with one full-blown mania and other flirtations with it. That's why I try to stay away from posts here regarding suicidal thinkers, because I can't truly empathize. It's like trying to talk to an alcoholic about his problem without ever touching a drop myself. It just doesn't carry any clout. I am, however, very human and very in touch with my pain, and I feel I can share quite a bit when I feel it is appropriate. My personal process has really started to unfold in the last few years, and my life is starting to open up like I never thought it could. I want everyone to experience this kind of healing.
You spoke of feeling like it is a slap in the face for someone to tell you that part of you wants to be depressed. I used to think so as well. I have been learning that in many ways, at least for myself, that we do indeed want to be ill. I believe our depressions are caused by fears that keep our creative energy blocked. We aren't able to have a full experience of life because there is something inside of us that doesn't allow our true self to shine through.
Why do we have these fears? Where do they come from? You know the answer already. They come from your childhood. Usually before you can even remember. Those fears were put in place to keep you safe in your childhood environment. Especially having abusive parent(s), you knew exactly what you could and couldn't do to either avoid pain or to get their love. Part of you (and me, and everyone for that matter) still clings to those fears because they keep you safe. That's why there is a part of all of us that still clings to those fears and doesn't want to get well. Getting well is much more frightening to us, because that means we'll have to let go of the fear and venture out into virgin territory. We'll choose the safety any day. The thing is, those fears don't really keep us safe anymore. They actually hinder our potential to live a life rich with fulfillment.
That said, the will to stay sick isn't anything conscious. Consciously, we can't stand the depression. Consciously, we want to do it all ourselves and loathe anyone who tells us we can't take care of ourselves. We HATE to admit that there is anything wrong with us. Unconsciously, those fears are firmly in place, keeping us repeating the same patterns over and over again. If anyone would have told me this two years ago, I would have said they were nuts. I thought I was fine, that there was nothing wrong with me. I had no idea I was even afraid of anything, let alone KNOW what those fears were. Fortunately for me, my subconscious was in the driver's seat and prompted me to make some life choices that backed me against the wall. I was forced to face my fears - I had absolutely no choice. It was either that or sink into the black hole. With the help of a very gifted healer, I faced those fears. I didn't even know what the fears were until after I confronted them. It was absolutely terrifying. I wouldn't wish that kind of agony on my worst enemy. But two years later, I am adding more to the puzzle and feeling much more comfortable and confident with who I am.
Like you said, your issues are always going to be your issues and will affect the choices you make throughout your life. Same holds for me. Those subconscious fears can be up in a flash and influencing your actions before you even know what is happening. I do battle with them every day, and willl for the rest of my life. But I am here to say that the deeper you go, the more you can really pick apart those fears, understand who you really are and CHOOSE how you wish to act instead of running on fear-influenced autopilot. You can be free to express the beauty of yourself. Or the negative side of yourself, for that matter. Hell, none of us are without negativity, that's for sure. We're all entitled to blow off our steam too. But once the negative is validated and released, the more our true inner beauty can shine into this world. You ARE beautiful, Shar. I wouldn't recognize you walking down the street, but I can sense your kindness and strength and self-acceptance in your words. You're a great human being. Keep loving yourself. The world needs your light. Peace and love.
Todd
poster:Todd
thread:4784
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010209/msgs/4853.html