Posted by medlib on January 9, 2001, at 17:06:11
In reply to Re: DO IT!!! My advice: » medlib, posted by ksvt on January 9, 2001, at 7:02:20
Kvst--
Glad to. I was worried about blathering on ad infinitum, or I would have been more explicit the first time. I realize it sounded unhelpfully cryptic.
My mother thought that her role as a mother offering loving support consisted of improving upon or perfecting her kids. She would say things like, "That's fine, dear. But next time you might want to..." I never figured out why what she said didn't feel good; I knew her intentions were good. Finally, my son clued me in, noting that unasked-for advice is *always* experienced as implied criticism, regardless of intent. "Real" support is *unqualified* approval or empathy, expressed verbally or nonverbally, of something that someone is, or does; it is most powerful when it is specific. I find this very difficult to pull off (maybe because I never experienced it). However, I have noticed that feedback from my efforts is pretty much along the lines my son described.
BTW, he feels that the best way to support teens generally is to allow them as much control over their lives as possible, always explaining all the consequences of all of their options beforehand--and not criticizing their choices, but also not protecting them from those consequences after the fact. He feels that objective information, including how their choices will affect your feelings and behavior is much more helpful than arbitrary rules. He calls this "basic respect" for the human being within an interning adult. Oddly, 3000 miles away, my brother (who is bipolar) independently came to the same conclusions and raised his son that way with excellent results. When I asked my son for an example of a supportive statement (I'm a bit slow to visualize what I've never encountered), he said, "I really like how you've...(fill in the blank)...; is there anything I can do to support you in this?" (Probably this comes from my tendency to extinguish any spark of interest I perceived in my kids, by inundating them with information and equipment, unasked.)
My daughter was always extremely perceptive of others' feelings; she noticed my withdrawn depression and pain. She concluded, however, that if I really loved her, I would "fix" myself and act more warmly loving to her, and that, because I didn't do that, I must think that she wasn't worth loving. She spent most of her teens very angry with me, and she acted out that anger in quite self-destructive ways. Sometimes, I think that teens are just as ego-centric as infants, though not, as infants, because that is all they can perceive. With teens, I think it is because they believe that they can affect or control only themselves. A more "normal" parent might have introduced them to a larger community that they could affect. Ah, well.
Finally found the "off" button. Well wishes--medlib
> >
> > I learned: (from my grown son) that I had no concept of what "support" really means; (from my daughter) that, altho many teens are very perceptive, none have the adult experience base necessary to draw consistently accurate conclusions from their perceptions. (
> >
> medlib - thanks for the response. Would you mind amplifying the statement about what you learned from your kids, particularly the part about you having no concept of what support really means? Thanks ksvt
poster:medlib
thread:3738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010105/msgs/3814.html