Posted by ksvt on January 7, 2001, at 10:24:37
In reply to Re: DO IT!!! My advice:, posted by Racer on January 7, 2001, at 4:46:21
> God you guys, I can't believe you hit on so many of the things that have been worrying me. The different perspectives each of you takes sort of highlights my own internal debate about this. My kids are pretty self centered right now, as I'm sure I was at the same age. I remember pretty vividly the point when I recognized that I was capable of visibly hurting my father with something I said. I really resented him for being so weak and for making me, in a very non-verbal way, feel bad about my kneejerk teenage barbs. Sad to say, I've never quite gotten beyond that enmity, and I'd hate to have my kids grow up feeling the same way about me. So on the one hand, I'm fearful that they'll hate me for my own weaknesses ( and worse, the role they play in making me feel better or worse), and on the other, I'm afraid that I'm making them feel that they disappoint me, with all the negative messages I send. (it's unbelievably hard with teenagers to not spend a huge amount of time reminding them of things they don't want to do). I really appreciate all of the feedback i've gotten from everyone. You've helped give me a focus for discussions with my therapist and my spouse about whether and how this can work. I feel alot less anxious about it ( at least for the moment) and more intrigued with the possibilities such a session might hold. Thanks again ksvt PS: BTW Racer - how go the job wars?
My advice, as an adult suffering from recurrant major depression, who grew up with a mother who suffered untreated depression: Do it.
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> Discuss it first with your therapist, and with your husband and probably both together. But do it.
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> Here's why:
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> Kids are so entirely self centered, self referent, during the teen years, that the outward manifestations of your depression probably bring up fears in them. Despite that wisdom which says that kids never talk to grownups, my experience is that inside every uncommunicative teen, there's a talkative ten year old yearning to get out -- if only someone will offer encouragement. Mind you, I've only been able to offer encouragement to other people's kids, because I'm unable to have children. Nonetheless, I've experienced so many teenagers telling me shyly, haltingly, their fears and insecurities, that I suspect your kids are inwardly wishing they knew why you are so unhappy about them.
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> Remember: kids are like little animals. They're phenomenally sensitive to body language and other non-verbal cues. This is part of their learning to judge their effect on their environment. Talking about your condition won't make them try to accommodate you, but it will likely relieve their level of anxiety a great deal. That sensitivity about non-verbal cues, coupled with that self-centeredness, probably has them thinking right now that they're so bad, they've turned out so far from what you wanted, that you're miserable because of them!
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> Maybe I'm wrong, but I am trying to help. I remember being about that age, and 'knowing' that my mother hated me because I'd ruined her life and been so bad that she could never be happy.
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> Guess what? I obediently screwed up in every possible way so that my mother could be right.
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> I'm twenty years older now, and only now starting to straighten my life out.
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> My mother? She's just as miserable now, and I see howshe's making herself miserable. It still hurts me, and it hurts more to know that I can't do anything to help her.
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> But it also makes me angry that I have to work so very hard to unlearn all the lessons she taught me about screwing up my life. And I'm still angry that she was so selfish as to maintain her depression and her victim status without seeking help for herself.
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> Again, this is from my perspective. This is what I see now, based on twenty some years of experience on top of those experiences. Your mileage will vary, but just in case: the best thing you can do for your kids is to get help for yourself. The next best thing you can do for yourself and your kids and the rest of us is to be open with them: help them learn that depression is not something so shameful that it must be hidden.
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> If you want to have something that has to be hidden, get a wart! Share your depression, because the light is the one true enemy of depression. Shame lives in the darkness, open the doors and windows and let your nearest and dearest see the world you live in. They will bring sunshine with them, and drive out the depression.
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> There, was that long winded enough? Best thoughts and wishes to you, and best luck on a successful, happy outcome for everyone.
poster:ksvt
thread:3738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010105/msgs/3755.html