Posted by tina on January 4, 2001, at 18:03:07
I am right there too Kelly.
Something happened this morning, which I don't want to go into, that really shattered my whole belief in humankind. I can tell you it made me look longingly at the long sharp butcher knives in the kitchen and my lily-white wrists. I'm not so keen on taking my own life either but it doesn't stop me from wishing my car would go out of control on the snow covered highways or maybe standing in the bank line and being shot by a would-be robber. I also hope all this extra smoking I'm doing right now gives me a nasty inoperable tumor. Those kind of thoughts go through my head constantly, everyday, every minute. I am preoccupied with my own death but unable to do the deed myself. I am not taking any antidepressants because I want, for once in my life, to feel all the horrible, evil things I have lurking inside myself. I need to feel those things. I've medicated myself before and just got numb to that pain and guilt and shame. I need to feel it now and accept responsibility for my own nasty personality which, you can believe, is profoundly nasty.
This is my round-about way of telling you I can sympathise and empathise with how you're feeling. You are NOT alone. Since you are a veteran to psycho-babble, you know the kind of support you can get here but I think Gracie is right. you need to be under the care of someone who can help you out with all those feelings and really support you face to face. Getting away from the burdens of all those people who seem to "know what's best for you" might be a respite in itself. Don't let them tell you who you are or what you should be doing. Take some time for yourself. This time of year is especially hard and stressful.
I'm thinking about you and I will send all my love to you.
Hugs
Tina
poster:tina
thread:3702
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001117/msgs/3702.html