Posted by coral on November 1, 2000, at 7:56:48
In reply to Re: Our Significant Others » coral, posted by CarolAnn on October 31, 2000, at 10:15:30
Dear CarolAnn,
This is absolutely none of my business so please feel free to tell me to take a hike. One comment you made has been haunting me, "I know and have told him that he is the only reason I have been able to stand firm against the desire for suicide." I'm not questioning your sincerity or the guilt you're feeling, but doesn't that statement put pressure on your husband? It seems that you're expressing your appreciation for him, his understanding, what he does. Could you express the same thing by telling him of your appreciation, and that you draw strength from him, knowing the two of you are in this fight together?
One of my problems is a wicked little game of "What if . . ." What if you do decide to commit suicide? Family members feel guilt and wouldn't your statement increase his guilt? What if you get in a car wreck, and he's left to wonder if you did it on purpose and he had failed you? As I said, it's a wicked little game. I know my husband's participation in my recovery is very important to me, and helps me more than I can express. In my first depressive episode (very serious...), the guilt-meister kicked in and I thought he'd be better off without me. During this episode (much less severe...), I still am occassionally racked with guilt - God, he's doing so much, he deserves so much more, ... what a lodestone I must be for him....you get the idea. Then, I coldly and firmly realize that the guilt isn't doing either one of us any good. The facts are; he's staying with me because he chooses to, I'm fighting to get well because I want to get well, and the guilt hurts that, and dampens our times of celebration.
Maybe it's just me but I don't want to be responsible for someone else's life.
Again, it's none of my business.... just my thoughts.On your thoughts about fear of death, I felt exactly the same way and I don't fear death. However, I found myself in the ER with tachycardia and was stunned with my own profound desire to live. Shocked the blazes out of me.
I'd like to know your thoughts.
Coral
poster:coral
thread:1864
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001031/msgs/1926.html