Posted by Racer on October 11, 2000, at 20:21:02
In reply to Who Am I?, posted by CarolynAnn on October 11, 2000, at 19:18:34
Great topic, since it's got to be almost universal.
Let's see, I know that I feel more like what I think of as me when I'm not depressed. These days, I can feel myself getting into that teenage angst thing when the depression starts: you know, that 'the cheerleaders don't like me, I have no normal friends, I can never wear the right clothes' sort of thing. (For real: I have a terrible memory of walking up to a group of my 'friends' in about eighth grade, and hearing them talking: "and she was wearing blue pants and a purple top! Can you believe it?" and one of them, who always acted like my great friend, asking: "dark purple or light purple?" Talking, of course, about me. Let's not get into a fashion debate, but that sort of thing sticks around, at least in emotional reactions.)
Babbling on like a brook...
OK, so the medicated me isn't really me. The Real Me doesn't need a nap every single day, and can sleep through the night. The RM doesn't have the same kind of 'electrically charged' feeling in the head. But the RM is not the depressed me, either. The depressed me looks around and sees no hope, no joy, just more grayness and pain. The RM sees some of the same things the DM sees, but sees hope shining from around the edges. For example, I'm not employed, the DM tells me that I'm not employable, that I'm economically worthless. The RM says, yeah, it's hard to convince someone to hire you, BUT you've got some skills that are worth three times what anyone would have to pay you. Does that make sense? Both see the same employability problems, wide range of skills, without much depth, but the RM sees the hope: I only need one job.
I'd say that the Real Me is the one who has been able to go off the meds, before the next depressive episode takes over. So, I get to be the RM for a few years at a time, then I have to take meds again.
Or, maybe, the REAL Real Me is the whole package: someone suffering from recurrent depression, who has to take meds for a few years, then gets to go off them, then back on. That's possible too.
(Another quick note, though: my depressions are a little different in recent years: it's not that I'm so worthless, more that I can't stand to struggle to make a living anymore. It's usually money problems that trigger my depression. Questions about whether I'll ever be able to support myself financially. These questions hit me in all states, but mostly can be at least partially controlled.)
poster:Racer
thread:990
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/992.html