Posted by pullmarine on October 26, 2000, at 21:00:38
In reply to Punishment for lack of courage...., posted by Rainwoman on October 26, 2000, at 9:06:33
Hi rainwoman,
I relate very strongly with every word that you wrote. It made me think of a song (the final cut* by pink floyd, and candy says by the velvet underground). Very frankly, I wish I could end my pain as well. I also find myself trying to find p[ainless ways to go. I also feel that the things that were best in me died a long time ago. Lately, I've been planning to get my hands on 'beyond final exit', and I will probably place the order for the book tomorrow. >
you also wrote:
I hate myself for not having the courage.
>I relate to that as well.so I decided to 'Fine, you can't take your own life, then you don't get anything to sustain it either. So, I stopped eating. I feel like everything that was ever good inside of me is dead anyway. It really isn't that hard to do. In a crazy way it feels kind of good. Watching myself disappear feels good.
>This, I truly understand as well. I also tried to starve myself a couple of years ago.I guess there is some part of me that wants to tell someone, but a bigger part of me doesn't so nobody can stop me. You know, I have no idea why I am writing this. I'll post it anyway.
> This is common. Even though our brain tells us we'd be better off dead, there are billions of cells in our bodies that would like to stay alive, and more oft than not, one gives out a warning signal, whether one wants to or not. Personnally, I've decided that when I choose that my time has come. No one will know about it.All I can say is, I hope find peace in anyway that is best for you, and quite truly, I wish the same for myself.
I send you all my love, and I wish you courage and strength in this difficule period. >
JOHN.
*The Final Cut
Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes
I can barely define the shape of this moment in timeAnd far from flying high in clear blue skies
I'm spiralling down
to the hole in the ground where I hideIf you negotiate the minefield in the drive
And beat the dogs
and cheat the cold electronic eyes
and if you make it past the shotgun in the hall
Open the priest hole,
and if i'm in i'll tell you,
what's behind the wallAnd If I open my heart to you.
will you still hold me tonight?
And if I show you my dark side
what would you do?
Would you sell your story to Rolling Stone?
Would you take the children away
and leave me alone?
Would you smile in reassurance
as you whisper down the phone?
Would you send me packing?
Or would you take me home?Thought I ought to bare my naked feelings,
thought I ought to tear the curtain down,
I held the blade in trembling hands
prepared to make it but,
just then tyhe phone rang,
I never had the nerve to make the final cut.
poster:pullmarine
thread:1626
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1649.html