Posted by shar on October 26, 2000, at 12:34:30
In reply to Courage, posted by Rzip on October 26, 2000, at 11:37:51
Rain,
You are not alone in your pain. You have come to the right place. I am glad that the sight of blood makes you faint so you can't hurt yourself in that way.I (and many people here) know how it is to feel dead inside, and completely hopeless that it will ever get any better. I know how it is to desperately want to die, to pray and wish for it every day. And, how little impact a therapist can have in some of these kinds of situations.
I also know that if you can hang in there for another hour, then another, etc. you have a very good chance of feeling better eventually. I strongly encourage you to wait, an hour, a morning, an afternoon, a night. Hold on. If you leave by your own hand (either cutting or wasting away) you have left your destiny undone. You have left us here saddened at the loss of you, because we all want you to live.
And, I HATE THIS PAIN THAT GRIPS YOU AND ME AND OTHERS. I'm angry at the pain that overwhelms you, that doesn't leave room for you to know your gifts, that doesn't love you, that doesn't give you a chance to take a breath.
If we were there we could hold you, but since we are not, I offer the following, written to another who was in profound pain similar to yours on this board:
In reply to my heavy heart, June 16, 2000, at 21:39:28
Most of the people who write here have been exactly where you are, I know I have. The thing is, we have all survived and you will too.
This is going to sound stupid, but it worked for me when I was very close to suicide:It's called visualization. You wrote that you need to be held and comforted by someone who loves you, so as often as you can, take a quiet moment and imagine the person who loves you best in the whole world. It can be anyone, from any time, it can even be a made up person(I made up a person who I wished that I could become in the future, myself as a wise, warm, wonderful, woman who loves me totally and unconditionally). If you want you can use God or Jesus or whoever in the visualization.
After you know who this, unconditionally loving, person is, imagine yourself as a small child, like 4 or 5. Now, as hard as you can, imagine the feeling of being held and loved and comforted by this person who loves you no matter what has happened in your life. Imagine how it feels to be wrapped in warm arms, a gentle hand stroking your hair, a soft voice, comforting words-"It's all right, I'm here for you, I love you, you were born for me to love, you are a precious gift of life, and I will be here for you now and for always."
I know this sounds nutty, and at first you may not get any comfort from it, but I swear, the more you do the visualization, the more real it will become. And, when it begins to feel real, you will be comforted. And, if you just can't do it, remember one thing: The whole time I was writing it, I was there. I was that person, I held you, and comforted you, and loved you with all my heart. You truly are a precious gift of life. CarolAnn
============================Rain, stay with us. Another site you may want to visit is www.metanoia.com (or it could be .org). It is about suicide, and I have gotten some good information there when I've felt like I couldn't go on another minute.
We are here for you. I will hold you in my thoughts and close to my heart. Write us soon.
Shar
poster:shar
thread:1626
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1632.html