Posted by shar on October 24, 2000, at 0:03:43
In reply to Re: Are we being too romantic?, posted by Noa on October 23, 2000, at 17:43:18
Noa,
This turned into a very interesting post for me. Writing this made me realize how little I do reveal that particular aspect of my feelings. I don't really have one person in my life that I could say that to who would understand and not overreact (which is worse than not saying anything at all).A few months ago, right after being laid off/fired I wrote an e-mail to a few friends telling them I was very low and needed their support. I did not say suicidal.
I am in a counseling group, and I wouldn't say suicidal in there, but I would talk about the depth of my depression.
I could e-mail my therapist and tell her that things looked so bleak I was feeling suicidal, but I haven't ever done it. She would not freak out because she knows me well.
The only place I've ever really talked openly about it at any length was on A Safe Haven, in a post called "I want to but I won't" or something.
Here, I will talk about slipping into the abyss, or my depression getting worse, or how hopeless I feel, and people who know me/my symptoms would probably recognize it if I wrote about a really bad bout of depression. But I would probably not say anything about suicidal ideation along with it.
So, I guess I take off my functional mask (a very good description) when it feels safe, and will reveal my depression, but have a hard time expressing the depth of absolute despair and loss of hope. Maybe also because I have a personal taboo against suicide, I just endure it. People get so hyper when you say suicide, and since I feel it but won't do it, I guess I want to avoid having to reassure others I'm ok, or deal with the "get to the ER" stuff. I don't put myself in harm's way and won't unless something exceedingly dramatic (like a terminal illness or something) happened.
I think you all see the least of my "functional face." I do want to say, that when I post something, I am being genuine, and I mean what I say, so it's not a mask in that sense (I know you didn't mean it was, Noa, but I wanted to say that anyway).
Shar
> Shar, do you have any one in your life that you are able to be truthful to when you are in real distress? Or do you show your "functional face" to everyone? How about here, with us? Would we know when things are rougher or less rough for you?
poster:shar
thread:1433
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1530.html