Posted by dari on September 24, 2000, at 17:36:48
In reply to Lucky to Be Alive, posted by Andre Allard on September 24, 2000, at 16:53:12
Dear Andre:
Having also detoxed off all benzos and having given up drugs and alcohol about 2 1/2 years ago, I can complete relate to a dependence to all of them. I have also suffered from bipolar, and ptsd for many years (though relatively recently diagnosed) - I know all about ups and (way) downs. I have attempted suicide 3 times in the last fifteen years. I've contemplated this situation more times than I can even remember at this point. I have for the last 5 months found a peace that would have and was completely inconceivable as recently as 6 months ago. What changed? Probably a med that works for the first time, but I also think that I finally got to the point where things just started working for me, I don't know why... My life situation has not changed dramatically: I still collect SSI though I wish I didn't have to right now, I'm still a single parent, things are still pretty hard. But for one reason or another, I don't wake up in the morning with that sickening dread, impending doom and a feeling of worthlessness, that paralyzes me from the start. I say all of this, because for me personally, I don't want anything to happen to you. You have helped me with what you have written both me and others over the last 6 months and though I don't post much, I read fairly frequently. Please do not hurt yourself further. I know the med roulette game is a trying one. I've been on 18 different meds since I was diagnosed almost 3 years ago. It sucks, BUT ironically the first med that I tried happens to be the one that is working for me now, 18 meds later, hmmmm... kinda makes you wonder if there is one right around the corner doesn't it? Please let me know that you are okay if you read this tonight. I'll check in tonight later, to see if you've posted. Please hang in there, you are TOO important... fondly, dari
> I have been suffering from depression, OCD and anxiety disorders for the last few years.
>
> A year and a half ago, I became addicted to various drugs (benzodiazipines, pain killers, alcohol, pot) to elleviate they way I felt. The drugs progressed to a suicide attempt.
>
> Since then I have been pretty much clean - until now.
>
> I cannot give a specific reason for abusing drugs again. Perhaps I am not on meds that work for me or perhaps I am going threw difficult stressors at the pressent. I do not know.
>
> I am lucky to be alive.
>
> It was my birthday just over a week ago. If I could have had one wish that day it would have been to spend some time with a particuliar girl I care very much for. I talked to her the night before and she sounded excited about coming out for my birthday. All day I tried to reach her and by midnight I gave up. I was out with a few friends at a bar and I was kicked out for having a mickey in my pants. So around I wandered.
>
> The next day I wake up in a hospital bed. It seems as though I took a few to may pills that night and someone found me passed out on the road and called the ambulance.
>
> The drugs did not stop there. For the next three day I continued to take enough pills to knock out a horse.
>
> Just the other night I would have loved to have ingested a bizillion pills but I did not have anymore. I went through my roomates room and even began calling around to see if any stores were open at the hour that sold aspirin - so I could go and by some and OD.
>
> At the moment I do not want to be alive. I would love to die more then anything. I do not want to be in the hospital as I have spent over three months there for depression.
>
> I do not tell anyone what is going on and I honestly do not know if I will be around next week. I do know one thing though, I am hurting pretty bad and I do not know what the hell to do.
poster:dari
thread:661
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/663.html